But where are you REALLY from?

Last year, I got into an argument with an acquaintance L. We were at a bus stop, and he started chatting with a group of young people next to us.

L: Are you visiting, or do you live around here?

Youths: [various chatter]

L: [to one of the young women, who looks Asian] So where are you from?

Woman: New York.

L: Okay, but where are you really from?

Woman: What are you saying? I don't seem like I could be a New Yorker?

L: Where were you born?

Woman: New York.

L: Where are your parents from?

Woman: China.

L: Ohhhh, okay. [turning to me] Hey Niniane, you're also Chinese. You two have that in common.

Me: L, why couldn't you just accept that she's from New York? Why did you have to keep grilling her? 

...

The woman and other youths caught their bus. L and I argued for another 20 minutes. He was mad that I "ruined" his pleasant conversation with this woman. I was offended that he kept saying she's not really a New Yorker. 

Afterwards, I felt some self-doubt. Maybe it's that not bad of a question. It is a microaggression, but on the grand scale of things, is it so bad?

This week, I mentioned to a friend that although I've lived in the States since I was 5, I didn't think until my mid-30s that it would be accepted if I called myself "an American". I would call myself "Chinese American" or "a Chinese person who grew up in America".

My friend asked why. When I thought about it, I realized it's due to this question. If I say "I'm an American", the reply will be "But where are you really from? Before America?" It happened to me dozens of times, and I learned to just skip the middle steps and jump to what they want to know.

But the result is that I've had trouble feeling accepted as an American, even though all my childhood memories are from America and I've been a US citizen since I was 18 (my entire adult life). 

So, that little question really did have an impact, more than I realized. 

There's no real need to ask this question. I don't see white Americans asking each other, "Where are you really from? Where did your ancestors immigrate from? Ireland? Germany? Italy? How many generations ago?" 

biting

Me: "Hunter Biden must feel a lot of survivor guilt. Beau Biden did so many selfless things and died, and meanwhile Hunter kept getting addicted to drugs."

Aff: "Think how Major Biden must feel. He can't stop biting people. I know people say he's a good boy and he's just stressed out, but come on!"

surprise from the UK

Messaging with a UK friend:

Me: What is the mood now in the UK?

Friend: Brexit really is a big mess. Scotland now wants independence, and part of that is to rejoin the EU.

Me: From my distant viewpoint, Scotland's prime minister seems more sensible than Boris Johnson. I was surprised that Boris Johnson got elected.

Friend: Yes, he's a fool. He's also technically American, was born in New York.

Me: I didn't know! That's shocking.

Friend: So he could still become your president one day 😬

Me: Yikes!

beans and kings

Me: "There's a chinese story of a king who was envious of his brother. He ordered that his brother be brought to him. Then the king said, "I heard you've been boasting about your poetry ability. You must walk seven steps at a normal pace in front of me right now. You need to come up with a poem and recite it on the seventh step. If the poem isn't good, then I'll have you executed."

Aff: "Is that the punishment for boasting?"

Me: "Apparently."

Aff: "Let's hear the poem."

Me: 

煮豆燃豆萁	Boiling beans by burning the beanstalk
豆在釜中泣	The bean is crying in the pot
本是同根生	We were birthed by the same root
相煎何太急?	Why the rush to burn each other?

Aff: "Wow, it rhymes. So is the king supposed to be like the bean?"

Me: "No, the king is the beanstalk. He's hurting his brother, like how the beanstalk is burned to cook the bean."

Aff: "Ok."

Me: "When the king heard this beautiful poem, he wept."

Aff: "He wept like a bean?"

Me: [lol]

Aff: "Plot twist: they were both beans."

Me: 

😂

yummers (Parts Unknown)

Aff, my mom, and I started watching "Parts Unknown" starring Anthony Bourdain. We watch one episode per evening, after dinner.

So far, we've watched five episodes. My mom liked Quebec the most. 

Aff likes Tangier, Morocco. He says the chicken stuffed with olives and spices looks amazing. 

I also liked the Quebec episode. So many desserts! So much foie gras. 

Watching "Parts Unknown" together has cheered up all of us!

Sad about ICE's latest evildoing

 I am very upset and sad about this news:

‘Like an Experimental Concentration Camp’: Whistleblower Complaint Alleges Mass Hysterectomies at ICE Detention Center

Multiple women came forward to tell Project South about what they perceived to be the inordinate rate at which women in ICDC were subjected to hysterectomies – a surgical operation in which all or part of the uterus is removed. Additionally, many of the immigrant women who underwent the procedure were reportedly “confused” when asked to explain why they had the surgery, with one detainee likening their treatment to prisoners in concentration camps.

The complaint details several accounts from detainees, including one woman who was not properly anesthetized during the procedure and heard the aforementioned doctor tell the nurse he had mistakenly removed the wrong ovary, resulting in her losing all reproductive ability. Another said she was scheduled for the procedure but when she questioned why it was necessary, she was given at least three completely different answers.

“She was originally told by the doctor that she had an ovarian cyst and was going to have a small twenty-minute procedure done drilling three small holes in her stomach to drain the cyst,” according to the complaint. “The officer who was transporting her to the hospital told her that she was receiving a hysterectomy to have her womb removed. When the hospital refused to operate on her because her COVID-19 test came back positive for antibodies, she was transferred back to ICDC where the ICDC nurse said that the procedure she was going to have done entailed dilating her vagina and scraping tissue off. “

Another nurse then told her the procedure was to mitigate her heavy menstrual bleeding, which the woman had never experienced. When she explained that, the nurse “responded by getting angry and agitated and began yelling at her.”

many valid paths

With the Kamala Harris announcement, people are celebrating "first Black VP", "first Indian VP" etc. 

Let's also note Kamala was unmarried until age 49. When she got married in 2014, she became stepmom to two kids.

Society pressures women to marry and have kids. The stereotype of a woman who is single and childless at 45 or 50 is "sad" or "unfulfilled" or that she must feel like something is missing in her life. I think Kamala serves as a counterexample of someone who was living a perfectly great, childless, husbandless life.

I'm reading a book about how the immense pressure on women to get married and have children (and the judgment toward women who don't) is part of the backlash against feminism.

Today is my mom's birthday!

My mom turned 71 today.

I told her she is lucky to have her birthday on Juneteenth, because it is a special day of celebration. Also it will probably be a federal holiday soon. 

My brother got a bakery to deliver the cake. 

powerful video using Monopoly as metaphor

This video taught me a lot:



It reminded me of this Gloria Steinem quote:

it’s also true that in any situation of unequal power, it’s threatening for the more powerful to feel criticized. Think about it: It’s okay for women to ‘sing the blues,’ but not okay to equalize reasons for blues-singing. It’s okay to talk about the feminization of poverty, but not okay to talk about about the masculinization of wealth. It’s okay to talk about poor black people, but not so okay to talk about white racism and rich white people—and so on.

Also we’re so accustomed to hierarchy that it’s hard to imagine equality. I think some men imagine reversal—women are going to do to them what they’ve have done to women—but that’s just guilt talking. Probably our first job is to imagine equality. After all, hope is a form of planning!

New Favorite-programming-language Energy

I have been learning GoLang and I like it! 

It's concise. It has built-in support for slices, pointers, concurrency, channels. It doesn't have strange indentation rules like python. 

Me: [to Aff] "So what are the reasons you like Go more than Java?"

Aff: [bursts out laughing] "Why don't you ask me the reasons I like ice cream more than being kicked in the nuts?"

Me: "Come on, Java is not that bad."

...

Ice cream is a bit extreme as an analogy. I like ice cream much more than Go. But Go is pretty good.

that New Favorite-Book Energy

During video chat:

Me: "I just read the book Fifth Season. I love it!"

Nehsters: "Oh, I read that. It's pretty ... dystopian. A little depressing."

Me: "We're in a pandemic. It's now a how-to guide."

Fifth Season

I just finished reading the sci-fi book "Fifth Season".

It is so good. I can't imagine how anyone could dislike it. 

Every book in this trilogy won a Hugo Award. I am glad there are two more books to look forward to. Poor future-me who has read all of them and can no longer look forward to them. 

Finished playing Uncharted 4

I like the lush landscapes and adventure story of Uncharted 4. 

It seems like the game's demographic aged during the four Uncharted games. The main character was made to look older in game 4, with more wrinkles and maturity. 

I just finished playing and miss the game slightly. 

Thankfully, there's one more expansion pack, starring two of the best female characters. 

A sweet story

This is a sweet story: Link.

I thought about all the friends’ weddings I missed because I couldn’t travel outside the country and how much I regretted not being there for the people I loved. I couldn’t do it again. If Fernando eventually came to love me, he would need to understand or at least accept my need to hide the more difficult points of my life’s timeline.

“OK,” he said, “I’m on it. Tell me what to do.”

Conspiracy theories are self-preserving

I have a hard time responding when friends send me conspiracy theories. 

The conspiracy theories usually have a built-in mechanism for deflecting all criticism.

Friend: "5G is causing covid-19!"

Me: "This has been debunked by reputable scientific organizations X, Y, and Z."

Friend: "Those organizations are all part of the conspiracy!"

Any scientific studies or debunking just get ignored as "part of the conspiracy", so there is no way to disprove them. It is quite frustrating.

asymmetry in taking care of family

In Western society, there is intense pressure to be an amazing parent to your kids, but it's acceptable to neglect your parents in their old age.

A parent who sends their kid to an orphanage is condemned. But if the same person puts their parent into a not-very-good retirement home and only visits them once per year, that wouldn't get a second glance. They'd get sympathy from their friends, "It must have been hard to put your mom/dad into the retirement home and not know if they're being mistreated."

The asymmetry is interesting.

Difficulty of what to say

I have been taking care of my mom for nearly a year now. I am often sad about it. It is lonely, and I get insecure. 

I talked yesterday to a new friend T, who does some caretaking of her own:

Me: "If I tell people how it really is, I feel like a Debby Downer. I don't want to complain to them a bunch every time I talk to them. Sending a holiday card was hard."

T: "Yeah, my grandma used to send a holiday letter every year saying 'Merry Christmas. Here's all the bad things that happened to me this year. I broke my hip. This problem. That problem. Anyway, happy holidays!'"

Me: "Yes, that is my fear. I don't want to be depressing every time I talk to people. But then if I focus on the positive, I don't feel understood. That is not real."

-----

Some people have surprised me by how they are able to understand and empathize. Others keep making an effort, even though they don't know what to say. I really appreciate both those sets of people. 

to remain well

Last month, I went to a retreat called "Yoga and Meditation in a Troubled World". We talked about presidential lies, climate change, feeling helpless and hopeless.

This was my favorite quote from the instructor:

"Self care is like self preservation, and self preservation can be an act of political warfare. To thrive, to remain well in systems of violence and oppression, is how we begin to dismantle systems of violence and oppression.”      -- Audre Lorde, activist

Audre Lorde

She means "self-care" in the sense of being at peace with yourself, not the meaning co-opted by the beauty industry to sell lotions and massages for $$$.

Previously I felt guilty if I felt at peace while horrible things were happening in the world. It was an epiphany to hear that it is actually useful.

Group yoga at the retreat

\

linked

I've been reading books by Gloria Steinem. It is energizing!

I'm glad she is living a long life, and has written many books. I hope she writes many more.

Some things she has said, which I like:

Because I’ve had the luck of having friends from Indian Country here—and also visiting a few old cultures in India and Africa—I’ve had a glimpse of a time in which people were linked, not ranked. Those words are a good mantra: We are linked, not ranked.  

If we just stop looking up at leaders, and begin to look at each other, we find our power. [Can I still look up to her though?] 

Without self-esteem, the only change is an exchange of masters; with it, there is no need for masters.

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes

In "Revolution from Within", she talks about how interracial marriage was a crime punished by prison time, until the 1960s. She points out:

Among the many victims of such antimiscegenation laws were Asian men brought to this country by the thousands in the nineteenth and first half of the twentieth century as workers -- forbidden to bring wives from their own countries, and also forbidden to marry non-Asians here -- some of whom are still living.

Days

I have been taking care of my mom.

There are some days that are tough, and we both get impatient.

There are also really happy days. This photo was from a happy day: her birthday.