Wednesday, October 06, 2021

Reflections on my friend

Today I thought, "Who from my college do I wish I could talk to?" I thought of my friend "Aria". 

Aria was a computer science major at Caltech. She had short hair and an eyebrow piercing. She said that her parents were against spending so much tuition on a girl, and she had to work her way through much of college. 

She worked as a sysadmin at Caltech. She was also co-head TA of the intro programming class. A student lodged a complaint against her because he didn't like the way she served as TA. She commented to me how the male TAs were doing similar things but weren't getting complaints.

After college, I was Aria's coworker at Microsoft. We were on the same 40-person team for a few months. She welcomed me by making me a music CD and leaving it along with a handwritten note on my keyboard. 

She became determined to get into great shape. We both were new to gym-going, and we went together a few times. She quickly outpaced me with her zeal. Over the course of 1.5 years, she got herself from 30% body fat to 13% body fat. I was impressed at her persistence and how she embraced going out of her comfort zone. 

At work, Aria was widely acknowledged as a great manager. She combined EQ with technical skills. She was told she could either manage a large team of QA or be an individual contributor engineer. She chose to be an IC engineer. Then the criticisms of her code started and never seemed to stop. The negative feedback went on for years.

In today's tech industry, with her excellent management skills, she might make a great VP Engineering. But emotional labor wasn't valued back in the late 90s in tech. Brusque mansplaining was the way to ascend the geek hierarchy.

A few years after college, Aria took her own life. People say environment can't be blamed for someone deciding to commit suicide. She certainly struggled with her mental health for years. But sometimes I think about how Aria was under-appreciated and it makes me sad. She had the highest EQ of my circle of classmates. I wish she had been properly honored for her talent. 

Even though Aria was stronger than others at interpersonal skills (an ability that many programmers felt insecure about), she went out of her way to make them feel encouraged in that area. They sure didn't return the favor whenever any of their technical skills were stronger than hers. Especially considering they usually didn't have to work their way through college like she did and thus were able to focus on coding. And since their parents supported their engineering dreams from a young age, unlike hers.

It took me many years to even realize my grief over Aria. For several years, I was surprised that I didn't feel sadness when I thought about it. The grief took a long time to surface.

I wish Aria were a VP Eng somewhere right now and we could chat every now and then to compare learnings. 

Sunday, October 03, 2021


Recently a friend introduced me to a YouTube star "Max". 

I have some trepidation about YouTube stars after reading about the callousness of Logan Paul and PewDiePie. But Max was down-to-earth, feminist, and kind. 

Max: "I live in a city above layers of Roman ruins. The Romans were very good at making roads that would line up. They always built things with the same widths and units."

Me: "Sounds like the Romans were good engineers. Engineers love creating standards."

Max: "The Romans created some architecture that future generations didn't know how to reproduce. Even now, people don't know how the Romans did it."

Me: "They didn't pass down the instructions? I thought you said they like creating one repeatable way to build things."

Max: "They didn't like to write that down."

Me: "True, engineers also hate writing documentation."

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Reading rainbow

I've read 160 books since the pandemic started. Others baked bread or played Animal Crossing, and I ended up reading. 

I read some analyses of our society, some novels, and some history. I read about the pasts of Kenya and Spain and New Zealand and South Africa.

It is disillusioning to read history -- all the colonizing and exploiting women & locals. My optimism about the world has decreased. But hopefully I will arrive at a deeper happiness someday as a result. Fingers crossed. 

My friend Piaw reads 85 books per year, including in pre-covid years. I like having a friend who is more well-read than me! We discuss books sometimes. 

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Biking with friend

I am planning a bicycle trip with my good friend "Zora", and I am excited!

We are planning it for November, because of work commitments in October.

It gets cold in November, and we will need to go somewhere warm such as Florida or Texas.

I learned that Florida has many flat biking trails near the ocean. Temperatures will be between 70F (night) to 79F (day). When we are done biking each day, we can see sights such as Little Havana and art museums. 

Also, there is a little town called Fredericksburg (outside Austin, Texas) with biking trails and interesting German architecture. Apparently they created a dialect called "Texas German".

Ocean or Texas German town??

Friday, September 10, 2021

9/11 book

This month, my book club is discussing "The Only Plane in the Sky: An Oral History of 9/11".

It is a fascinating book. Reading it, I was struck that the book only discussed positive stories from that day. One story is how a quadriplegic man was carried down 69 flights of stairs by 10 of his coworkers taking turns. 

Another man thought he would die and decided to cross his arms over his chest (the American Sign Language sign for "love") so that if his dead body were found, his wife would know he was thinking of her in that moment. He survived.

For years prior to 9/11, the Morgan Stanley head of security had forced the entire staff (2700 people) to practice evacuations every 3 months. Many executives were annoyed by these drills. But as a result, he evacuated thousands in an efficient manner. 

I like how the book chose to focus on  kindness and the people who helped each other. There was only one story of a person being selfish. It was about a bartender who refused to open the bar's door while bloodied traumatized survivors banged on it, pleading for help. The bartender kept polishing a glass and repeating that the bar doesn't open for another hour until 11:30am. 

All the other stories were of people who did open their doors and who helped each other. It was heartwarming to read.