it's not easy being green

Seriously, it wasn't easy. It took 20 minutes to apply the green to my face.

Steve Jobs & love

I am so touched by this eulogy for Steve Jobs by his sister Mona:

Steve was like a girl in the amount of time he spent talking about love. Love was his supreme virtue, his god of gods. He tracked and worried about the romantic lives of the people working with him.

Whenever he saw a man he thought a woman might find dashing, he called out, “Hey are you single? Do you wanna come to dinner with my sister?”

I remember when he phoned the day he met Laurene. “There’s this beautiful woman and she’s really smart and she has this dog and I’m going to marry her.”

When Reed was born, he began gushing and never stopped. He was a physical dad, with each of his children. He fretted over Lisa’s boyfriends and Erin’s travel and skirt lengths and Eve’s safety around the horses she adored.

None of us who attended Reed’s graduation party will ever forget the scene of Reed and Steve slow dancing.

His abiding love for Laurene sustained him. He believed that love happened all the time, everywhere. In that most important way, Steve was never ironic, never cynical, never pessimistic. I try to learn from that, still.

Steve had been successful at a young age, and he felt that had isolated him. Most of the choices he made from the time I knew him were designed to dissolve the walls around him. A middle-class boy from Los Altos, he fell in love with a middle-class girl from New Jersey. It was important to both of them to raise Lisa, Reed, Erin and Eve as grounded, normal children. Their house didn’t intimidate with art or polish; in fact, for many of the first years I knew Steve and Lo together, dinner was served on the grass, and sometimes consisted of just one vegetable. Lots of that one vegetable. But one. Broccoli. In season. Simply prepared. With the just the right, recently snipped, herb.

Even as a young millionaire, Steve always picked me up at the airport. He’d be standing there in his jeans.

When a family member called him at work, his secretary Linetta answered, “Your dad’s in a meeting. Would you like me to interrupt him?”

Tuesday morning, he called me to ask me to hurry up to Palo Alto. His tone was affectionate, dear, loving, but like someone whose luggage was already strapped onto the vehicle, who was already on the beginning of his journey, even as he was sorry, truly deeply sorry, to be leaving us.

He started his farewell and I stopped him. I said, “Wait. I’m coming. I’m in a taxi to the airport. I’ll be there.”

“I’m telling you now because I’m afraid you won’t make it on time, honey.”

When I arrived, he and his Laurene were joking together like partners who’d lived and worked together every day of their lives. He looked into his children’s eyes as if he couldn’t unlock his gaze.

Until about 2 in the afternoon, his wife could rouse him, to talk to his friends from Apple.

90 minutes?!

On phone with my brother.

Me: "Tom, I have a dream.  I want you to support me.  Don't make fun."

Tom: "Okay, what is it?"

Me: "I want to learn to play soccer, and play on a recreational league in nine months.  I want to be an actual contributing member, and not just there so they can meet their co-ed status."

Tom: "Great!  Let's do cardio together when you visit.  You'll need to train enough to run 90 minutes."

Me: "I don't need to be put into the field for the whole game, just part of the game."

Tom: "The team only gets two substitutions.  9 people will be out on the field for the whole 90 minutes."

Me: "Oh really?  That's a lot!"

Tom: "You didn't know???  Why didn't you look this up before setting the goal?  Next you're going to say, 'Wait, there's a ball?  I didn't know I have to kick a ball around.  But I want you to support my dream of playing on a league.'"

Me: "How many balls are there on the field at a given time?"

Tom: "What!"

Me: "But seriously, 90 minutes is a lot.  Okay, but I'm still going to aim for it.  It's just scary."

Soccer

Today I told Lillers that I posted a "wanted" ad seeking someone to teach me soccer.  I am a noob at soccer, and I want to find someone to teach me, until I am good enough to play in a recreational league.

Lillers said, "How did you pick soccer?"

"I asked the personal trainer [whose service I bought for 2 hours from groupon] for any sport that I could actually become good at."

Lillers said, "That's so sad." but she said it in a loving way.

No one answered the ad for five hours, and I got depressed about it.  I figured it was a foolish idea, and I've missed the boat by not having been on a sports team as a child. 

But just now, one person has answered the ad, and I am immediately filled to the brim with excitement!  I am imagining a movie montage where I learn feints and run down the field kicking the ball.

It is my great hope that I could actually become good at a sport.  Not just be allowed to play because it's a co-ed team and they need women.  Or permitted to play for 5 minutes when the gap between scores is so great that I couldn't affect the game.  But actually to be a valid contributing member of a sports team, where people are glad that I showed up because it increases our chances of winning.

This is scary because it feels like too much to hope for.

ok, i will drink more tea

Today, my cousin and I were talking about our relative who was recently diagnosed with an early-stage cancer.

Me: "Is he okay?"

Cousin: "Yes, it's very early-stage.  They removed the cancerous growth cleanly."

Me: "What type of cancer is it?"

Cousin: [chinese words]

Me: "I don't know what that is.  What is it in English?"

Cousin: "I don't know."

Me: "What is the function of that body part?"  (thinking that if it's breathing, that's lungs.  If it's processing food, that's stomach.  If it's processing alcohol and toxins, that's liver.)

Cousin: "Uh....  [looks away at the wall]"

Me: "Oh, I get it now."  (It was prostate cancer.)



We talked about how two of my grandparents passed away from cancer, so there is a medical history of it.  My cousin said we should all "watch for it" and prevent it.  How can you prevent it?  He said we ought to be happy, reduce stress, eat healthily, and drink tea.

Minted at Caltech Career Fair on Wednesday

I'm recruiting at Caltech Career Fair tomorrow, hiring software engineers for Minted!
  Caltech campus (pictured are the "swirling blades of death" in Millikan Library pond)


A previous Caltech career fair.

  A collage of Minted office photos.

If you are a graduating Caltech computer science student, please come by the Minted booth! Or if you know someone who is, send them over to me at the Minted booth!

cake

I signed up to take a class called "One Great Cake".

In my imagination, the perfect cake looks like this:


Anyway, I was telling an acquaintance that if the cake looks too amazing, people won't believe that I really made it.

"I'll have to put some kind of special item in the center of the cake," I said, "You would only find it after cutting into the cake. A pistachio or even a little metal bolt.  Only the cake maker would know what's at the middle of the cake, so I can prove that I made it."

He said, "Or you can just take photos of yourself making it."

to boldly go

Tonight I ran into a Googler at South Park Cafe.  We used to sit near each other in 2003, when I worked in building 42 on Desktop.  I haven't seen him in years.  He is responsible for Google's university grants program, and he gave me an update.  When conversing, I caught myself saying "we" to refer to Google.  It has been a long time since I was there!  But some habits stick with you.

Yesterday I wrote about the idealism embodied in Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I appreciate how they strive to focus on the brighter parts of the human experience.

I think the best part of my Google experience was the idealism.  Everyone tried to do good for the world.  I remember learning for the first time that Google was scanning the Library of Congress books, to prevent a repeat of the Great Fire of Alexandria.  It was very ennobling.

People were always concerned about not doing evil.  Alipé once summarized the Friday TGIF questions posed to the founders as "Are we being evil in this new obscure way?"  I laughed but I thought it was a very nice attribute.

Minted is idealistic too.  We want to enable these indie graphic designers all the world who are talented but lack the right channels.  We want to bring beautiful designs to people during the emotionally significant occasions in their lives.

Sometimes I feel besieged with people telling me that idealism is naive.  They say ST: TNG is unrealistically perky, that all companies are deep down greedy, and that integrity and charity are always just a veneer.  But that is an awfully difficult way to live!  I choose to believe in idealism.

And to watch Picard.

ten-forward

I'm watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, on netflix streaming.  



It is an idealistic show.  The mission of the crew is to explore the universe, doing charitable missions.  I feel like modern shows center around much less noble themes, like scheming housewives, or voting off one group member per week, or competing to eat the most disgusting items.

The sets are impeccably clean, with bright lighting.  Patrick Stewart is trained as a classical Shakespearean actor.

Which modern show is closest to these idealistic tones?

who wore it best?

Tonight I went to see a play at the ACT Theatre in San Francisco.  I went with my friends CM and Adit.  The play is "Once in a Lifetime", which we bought via a groupon.



There was a scene that took place on board a train.  I liked how the actors swayed in a realistic manner to simulate train movement for the entire scene.



Then I realized that I am wearing the same cardigan.  Here's a photo from this morning, which I took to show my friend Elaine (she had suggested that I buy the cardigan when we went shopping).


The play was interesting.  It was a portrayal of Hollywood in the 30s when talking movies first came out.  Movie moguls threw fistfuls of cash at new actors, voice coaches, scripts, trying to capture the gold rush.  It was very reminiscent of Valley gold rushes, like mobile or social or video or ads optimization.

America, popularity, good grades

Last week Azer and I were talking about how we should invest our money.  Cash?  Gold?  Stocks?

One crux of this decision is how the American economy will fare.  Azer's view was that America is no longer the land of innovation that it once was, except in high tech.

I am more optimistic about America.  But the only thing that makes me more bearish is the way that America denigrates intelligence and studying.  It's taken for granted that in America, there is mutual exclusion between being well-liked growing up and having very academic hobbies.  The captain of the chess team is assumed to have trouble getting dates.  If you are in high school and win lots of math competitions, people assume you're below average in admiration by peers.

In China, getting good grades makes you MORE popular.  The valedictorian is usually very popular.  And respected.  It automatically gets you points.  In America, it automatically drags you down in the eyes of your peers.

I think this is the single biggest factor that could lead to America's decline.  Everyone wants to be loved and respected by their peers.  Making that at odds with pursuing intellectual activities is very damaging to maintaining the status as the land of innovation.

a quote I like

From my colleague Matt H:

Every day we slaughter our finest impulses.

That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every human, when they get quiet, when they become desperately honest with themselves, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source.

There is no mystery about the origin of things.

We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there.

~Henry Miller, Sexus

A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all-knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

painting

I took a painting class recently, where we all learned to paint the same thing.



I've taken painting at Caltech previously, and it always felt like I was stumbling along slowly. This time, being taught stroke by stroke how to reconstruct a painting was much more rapidly productive.

I made this painting:



I'm looking forward to going back and learning a few more styles.

as seen from the programmer filter

At Minted, just now.

Me: "Can someone give my brother an invite to pinterest?"

Intern: "What is pinterest?"

Me: "You pin things that you're interested in." [showing the homepage]



Intern: "So it's like Reddit."

Me: "Yes, but beautiful, for designers."

Intern: "/r/designers."

new solution when women complain about tech industry

Every once in a while, someone wants to commiserate with me about the challenges of being a woman in the tech industry. But I don't want to commiserate about it, unless we're going to brainstorm actionable solutions, and then take those actions. If we're just bemoaning the ways in which we're disadvantaged as a gender, that's very depressing for me. So it's awkward when people bring it up.

But now I have a solution! From now on, I'm going to tell them to read this book:




This is my new favorite book. It's an autobiography about Erik Weihenmayer, who goes blind at age 12. At first he rails against it. But then he learns that he can still excel at wrestling and mountaineering. Everything is harder for him. After graduating college, he gets rejected for every job, even dishwasher jobs.

When climbing, he gets big cowbells for his climbing buddies so that he can follow the sound and not fall off the mountain. When placing hooks during ice climbs, he can't see the color of the ice, so he devised a system of knocking on the ice and listening to it.

Imagine if he had just sat around saying, "Damn it, why am I blind?! This blows. Everyone else has it so easy compared to how much effort I have to put in." But instead he summited Everest. I am so inspired. I bow down to his action-oriented attitude.

Everyone has some "disadvantage". You're too young and people don't take you seriously. Or you're too old and people think you're obsolete. Or you are a minority. Or you are overweight and feel judged. Or your parents are super successful and you feel emasculated walking in their gigantic shadow. Or you changed careers and are starting out again in mid-life. Or you are newly divorced and feeling depressed about it. Everyone has something. So instead of complaining about it, find ways to overcome it! A blind guy summited Everest!

Retrospective on survival school

It has been 2.5 weeks since returning from survival school.  I called Nikhil last week and we had a nice chat about how the course removed mental limitations that we erected around themselves.  In life, we often constrain ourselves with "I can't fast for 36 hours while hiking 10 miles uphill." Or "I couldn't walk 25 miles in a single day." Or "I would go crazy being alone in the wilderness for 24 hours."  These are simply not true.   Every one of us could do it.

Nikhil revealed that he lent me the hat, poncho, and cup to make me more committed to going.  It worked!

I have taken some actions as a result of survival school.  I am addicted now to local organic produce, and get it delivered weekly.  I drink more water.  I stopped spending any attention on status within my work industry.  I am flying to Chicago tomorrow to visit Nina, a classmate from the course.  I messaged two volunteers who are leading Habitat for Humanity courses in 2012.  I am still exercising 3 times per week.

I highly recommend survival school.  I want to go back one day and take another course, maybe the 14-day or survival rescue.

Stay hungry.  Stay foolish!  ;)

poem about visiting

This is an interesting poem:

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn

...

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Survival school journal: Saturday (last day)

The guides woke us for the Final Challenge. By the color of the sky, it looked around 3am.

I feared the Final Challenge would be a grueling physical labor, like in Army Boot Camp when people have to exercise until they almost can't take it, for no good reason. But I needn't have worried. Final Challenge was perfect -- a beautiful experiene. [details omitted for future students of the course] I was alone the first hour, and with Shana for the next few hours. It was magical. I worked out things in my head that have bothered me for years. For example, I was always wondering how to balance my time between work, love life, and social life. During Final Challenge, it became clear that the most important thing is actually health, which I have sometimes neglected. Also, some other things that I thought were important to me (e.g. status within the tech community), kept moving lower and lower on my priority list as I thought about it, until I realized that they are not actually important at all.

After Shana found me, we continued together. She said on Impact after she snapped at me, she felt that it was over and she'd alienated her ally and now she'd be the outsider. I was surprised. I told her that's how I felt after I argued with T. Turns out Shana had been further behind on the trail and missed the entire argument except one comment when I announced, "I only have an issue with T, not with any of the rest of you!"

We got back to the BOSS office an hour after daybreak.


Me, near the end of the Final Challenge.

The graduation events were perfectly suited. We did a steam lodge (I fell asleep inside). Afterwards, some of the others jumped into a very cold pond. O_o We had ants crawling all over us during the graduation ceremony. I hopped from foot to foot to minimize being bitten by ants. Shana told me that she saw me over the week relying increasingly on my internal resourcefulness to overcome survival challenges.


Shana wanted Before vs After photos with the BOSS sign. But the sign was moved when we returned, so she had to pretend.

We packed. Two groups of 28-day students came in. Their two classes together comprised 13 students at the start (11 guys, 2 women), and six quit during the process. The 7 who were left (all guys) had bushy beards. They talked about how it rained for 10-12 days, up until right before our class started. They had a silent communion. One of them is 43, and the others are 19-23. They had a four-day fast (ours was 1.5 days) and a five-day solo (our was 24 hours). Two of them talked about how hard solo was. There was nothing to do for five days except measure the sun's progress across the sky. Another young man, Tyler, a philosophy student, loved it. He sat outside thinking all day.

They said the 43-year-old was the fastest of them. "He's a rockstar," Tyler said. "He would get up every day at 4am and scout ahead for fun." The older guy was looking at items around the store while we spoke, ignoring the praise. He finally said, "I'm twice your age."

We all took the same van back to Provo. It was a rather smelly van. :) The 28-day'ers ate candy bars and Subway sandwiches at every rest stop.

We got back to Provo and I washed my hands and face several times. I thought my hands were covered with a layer of dirt but it turns out actually they're tanned.

Mike and I "pre-ate" dinner at a sandwich shop. We shared a turkey-avocado sandwich. We talked about how there was diversity within the group and how everyone represented the extreme of an archetype. Mike is the perfectionist overachiever. Shana is the free spirit. I asked what I am, and Mike said the academic. He revealed that (unbeknownst to me) at least one of the other students said that I take a really long time to get ready because I'm thinking so much during it. But Mike commented that as a result, I'm organized and my pack never needed readjustment or lost anything.

We went back to the hotel and then all went out for Mexican food.

Mexican meal together, after returning to Provo.

...

That is the end of my survival school journal.

Overall I'm really grateful to my friends who had previously done the 28-day class, for encouraging me to do the course. It was like time travel to a primitive culture, where we were a little tribe that banded together to survive. The normal things we worry about didn't matter. We didn't worry about appearance, as we all were extremely dirty. We didn't carry or use any money. We talked about our work, but nobody was trying to impress anyone or make business connections (though now I'm trying to recruit Nina for Minted, ha! She's a UX designer with good experience).

We were forced to get along, because we needed to go through the survival lessons together. Even though we were so different from each other, we had many hours of things to discuss each day. The situation also led people to really open up and share emotional vulnerabilities. There was little ego involved. People freely admitted things that depressed them, or made them feel "less than their normal self", or made them anxious.

I experienced culture shock upon returning to the real world. On the street, everyone is rushing around so quickly, with no good reason. Conversations feel more superficial sometimes. When someone emanates a negative energy, it used to be tolerable, but now I feel compelled to get away quickly.

I purchased a delivery of organic fruits and vegetables. I have also been drinking twice as much water as before.

I might go visit Nina in Chicago over Labor Day.

The 14-day version of the BOSS survival school involves collectively slaughtering a lamb, to understand the process of where our food comes from. I might go back to take that course. Or I might do their "Survival Rescue" course where they simulate a 72-hour survival situation.

Survival school journal: Friday

Guides left us just before dusk yesterday. We are on our own for 24 hours. [The guides gave us maps with instructions to navigate ourselves to a canyon 12 miles away.] The group really bonded. This morning, we were all talking about romantic lives. Three of the group are divorced.

The guys are very gentlemanly. They have a chivalrous attitude, and a desire to protect and respect the women.

Ate all the rest of my oats this morning.

I am getting really focused on the here-and-now. It is nice.

...

Shana led us during Student Expedition today. We were in high spirits, laughing and doing the prohibited actions (cursing and quoting movies). An hour in, suddenly our guides Steve and Nick appeared breathlessly. They informed us that we've been going east instead of south for 25 minutes. We turned around, and then the group mood became more stressed. I was still not worried, because I knew this was the only tough part of the navigation all day, but others were tense. I ended up exchanging angry words with T, because she was pushing us to go fast, and I felt that brute-forcing speed would lead to more mistakes, which would eventualy slow us down overall.

After the argument, I felt like now I'd be ostracized for getting so mad. I started mentally preparing for this, and thinking about how this new set of friendships is ruined. But Mike stuck right behind me and made smalltalk about the reeds, the weather, the path. After a few minutes, I thought that perhaps I wouldn't be ostracized. He really did the exact right thing.

We carried on, and people talked about where to get water and when to purify it. We made good progress with Mike leading, and everyone started to relax.

Around 6pm, we reached the caves. I hadn't eaten all day except oats shortly after dawn. I should've left my GORP out, but had packed it and assumed my body could get by without it. It was a hot day and we did 12-13 miles up and down rocks with no shade cover. I was exhausted when we reached the caves. I sat unmoving for 20 minutes.

The guides found us shortly after our arrival. They congratulated us and said some groups get lost and wander all night until dawn.

James used his drill set to make a fire (we call him "Firearms" because he is so fast at it). We cooked the lentil stew and put in all the rest of our vegetables. Shana was trained as a professional chef, and taught me how to knead the dough better for ash cakes.

We slept under the cave overhang.

This is why we called him "Firearms".


Shana channeling her inner James Franco.

Survival school journal: Thursday

Stair Canyon, where we did our solo.

I woke up around 1am due to cold. I re-adjusted my rain poncho into a makeshift tent, by attaching its center and one corner to trees using parachute cord. It is much warmer this way, and structurally sounder than I expected.

It still took 2-3 hours to fall back asleep again. I thought about 3-d graphical systems that would be interesting using photography, and about the importance of a strong support network. [this has been on my mind after a few friends and my brother moved to other cities]. I wondered how various work tasks were progressing at Minted, and thought about how I should tell Mariam more often that I appreciate her.

Eventually I fell asleep again, and woke up around 7:30am. I wanted to sleep in! But cannot.

Facing my fears on this trip has been great. Hiking 10 miles at 8000 feet for 1.5 days without food was perfectly do-able. Being the slowest (which i mostly am) has been fine. I was nervous about solo, and waking up at dawn under this tree in a "tent" of my own making feels natural. There is no sense of elation or relief -- instead it feels very natural.

This feeling of "owning" a small section of land and knowing your five neighbors is amazing.

I am grateful to Nikhil and Jessica for easing my concerns and convincing me to do this. This is awesome!

I am looking forward when I return to Provo to a manicure, and a long hot shower, then lying in clean white sheets and reading kindle on my droid. Not anticipating food at all, contrary to my expectations. I could just eat some GORP [good ol' raisins and peanuts] and I'd be fine.

Making the fire drill set is slow going for me. It took me eons just to carve the spindle. I still need to use the planar technique to carve my fireboard. Then I need to prepare the bow, stone, kindle bundle. Stating a fire with matches is comparatively so easy.

I can identify trees now: juniper (bark is good for fire starting), pine (needles good for sleeping on), oak (branches for burning in fire after it gets going), sage brush.

My mind is so peaceful and content. It was not this way during the first three days, but during solo, it has been. I love everyone. :)

I did my list of errands. Washing clothes was simple, though I had to make a trip to the spring to get enough water. Washing my body is a relief -- it's so nice to be clean! My hair is the only issue. I washed it with soap, but it still feels dirty (though improved).

Steve the chief guide is very interesting. He is so non-reactionary. I feel that I could say anything and he'd reply calmly. Even if I said "Steve, I think you're horrible" or "Steve, there's a bear behind you" or "Steve, I'm the arson who set the big Yellowstone fire." He would digest it and respond rationally.

Survival school journal: Wednesday night

From my journal:

OMG they suddenly sprang solo on us! I am on solo right now. It is past sunset and I can't see what I'm writing.

I scouted and found a place to make my bed. Then I did some "project management" to decide a realistic scope of project. I put my poncho in the lowest tree boughs of a big pine tree to provide wind cover. Then I gathered duff [pine needles] and made a bed. I unpacked, made oats with powdered milk and cane sugar (actually very tasty if you use enough sugar). Just as the sun set, I finished everything, changed into my wool long johns, hung up my food bucket from a tall tree branch, and am now eating oats and writing in the dark.

The canyon is gorgeous. I know my classmates are within shouting distance, which is a great comfort.

I feel very comfortable in "my land" (my solo area as bounded by rock cairns that Steve the chief guide set down). I totally thought of "surveying my land".

Stars are starting to come out.

I don't know why everyone doesn't want to do this course. This is so awesome! I am halfway through and already have gained so much.

When I first started solo, there was a moment when dark fearful thoughts started to encroach. I exerted concentration to keep focused on the task at hand: making the bed, purifying water. Now I am super happy! I need to practice this skill more often.

Time to brush teeth and sleep. Tomorrow I need to wash self and clothes, try to finish my fire drill set and make a fire, and get more water from the spring.

Lillers was so nice to call to wish me a good trip. Lots of people emailed too to say good luck. Love them all!

Survival school journal: Wednesday morning

Hiking into the canyon.

From my journal:

Shana and I did the sweep navigation [navigating from the back of the pack] yesterday afternoon, and it was so much fun. Today we will be the leader navigators.

I couldn't finish all the food at dinner last night! O_o Has my stomach shrunk? Or are lentils super filling? We ate a stew where we each got 1/2 cup lentils, 1/2 cup rice, 1/3 onion, 1/3 potato, 1/3 carrot. Also ash cakes. I was full after eating a third of my stew. I ate a bunch more, but still couldn't finish. This morning I ate the leftovers (they were still good).

I also enjoyed making ash cakes on the fire coals. We had more than enough, at 1/2 cup flour per person, plus water to make it into dough.

I noticed my voice has been higher-pitched this whole trip, presumably because I am in unfamiliar situations.

The daily morning ritual is very enjoyable. I like brushing teeth with baking soda. I like purifying water from the stream. I don't particularly like making the blanket pack, but it turns out I have a good memory for knots. This is surprising, because I didn't think spatial perception was my strong suit.

Steve the chief guide is very unobjectionable. Because he is super non-reactive. He is like Jill [the Minted executive coach] in this regard. Anyone could be emotional toward him, and he would stay calm. I really respect this quality.

I feel more resourceful with a knife in my belt. At any time, I could carve a spoon. :)

As soon as I get home, I'm going to order a periodic delivery of organic produce.

I was taught not to waste food and it's difficult to reconcile with my real-world environment of excessive food. I much prefer this way of eating. I am thinking about how to maintain this when I go back.

Tonight we'll learn to make a fire.

Studying a map. I'm sitting on the rock, and Shana is standing (far left).

Survival school journal: Tuesday

The six people in my class.

From my journal in a meadow:

I had stomach pains last night for a couple hours. Lori the guide said it's due to dehydration -- the body shunts blood away from non-vital functions, including the stomach. Then stomach acid builds up.

We hiked for many hours by moonlight. It was exhausting. Then the guides gave us some surprises. [details omitted for future attendees of the course]

We've broken the fast. I thought the food woud taste divine, and that once my body became exposed to food, I woud become ravenous. Neither happened. I ate a banana which tasted the same as usual. They gave us cold mint tea, and I couldn't drink much of it due to taste. I also felt satiated.

We were taught how to navigate using compass and topological map. Now we will navigate ourselves eight miles to a lake.

The guides handed out food for the next four days. It looks in volume the same as what I've eaten in a single meal. It is 1463 calories per day. They picked dense food such as peanuts.

I'm comfortable with the knife now, and have carved a spoon and a bow drill stick.

Learning how to fold our blanket into a pack. I am leaning against a tree in the background.

Survival school journal: Tuesday afternoon

We walked for most of the day, in canyons of red rock.


From my journal in the late afternoon:

I've been designing product features in my head, and it is motivational even if I can't get to it for a while.

We are about to purify water from still pools. It looks as though there are many flies and much sediment. Let's see how well the water purification works.

We walked through pretty red canyons. It feels like if we round the corner, we can free James Franco's arm.

Wow, turns out one of the still pools has very clear water, even clearer than the running stream.

Walking uphill on an empty stomach requires taking breaks, but walking on flat terrain is easy, even though we haven't eaten for over 24 hours. My headache was gone when I woke up this morning. My body feels light and full of energy. I feel as though I'm gliding through the canyon.

Nina (woman from Chicago) is beaming the whole day.


Nina

Steve the head guide told me they have a hunter-gatherer course. It sounds awesome! You bring no outside food, and only eat rodents, small game, and fish that you catch.

I slightly miss being clean, and sleeping on clean sheets.

It really seems unfathomable that I eat such junk, like mac 'n' cheese, and everything at Beretta. Even their brussel sprouts are fried!

One student is talking a lot about food, and another is being snappy (including at me). I am bothered by the unwelcoming vibe, but am still feeling energetic and happy.

My stomach hurts. Is this "hunger pains"?

Survival school journal: Monday morning

We hiked for a couple hours on Sunday and then slept on the ground in a meadow, surrounded by sage brush. This was the "Impact" portion of the course, which involves fasting and traveling lightly with minimal gear.

From my journal:

We learned how to navigate by the stars, purify water, and sleep without tent or sleeping bag. It was cold last night. Huddling for warmth was actually very satisfying.

I figured out that in my regular life, I am very dehydrated continually.

Not eating saves a lot of time. We didn't have to build a fire, cook, eat, wash dishes. We just stopped hiking and promptly slept, and this morning we woke up and can promptly set off again.

Having the right gear is great. I used to just "make do" with substitutions, but using proper gear is so much better.

If I could eat anything, I would pick the meal we had yesterday at lunch: sandwiches with hummus, turkey, cheese, mayo, and greens. My body revolts at the thought of these buttery dishes I eat at restaurants. I keep thinking of that scene from "Lost in Translation" when Bill Murray phones home to his wife and says he wants to eat more fish & veggies, and less steak.


Lunch on the prior day, before setting off

Our chief guide Steve is very still when he is not speaking. When introduced by the Field Director, he didn't make eye contact with us. But it turns out he's really good at teaching.


Steve in the survival-school store, before the course started

Day 0 was easier than I anticipated. I thought I'd be slogging, struggling against fatigue & grumpiness. I feared lagging far behind the others. Instead I could've kept hiking last night when we stopped. And I slept straight through from around midnight to dawn. Most others got only a couple hours of sleep, so I'm keeping my sleep good-fortune to myself. :)

Simple cleaning rituals are very enjoyable. Brushing my teeth with baking soda was a real joy. So is peeing.

It is a couple hours after sunrise and already hot.

We learned knife skills. I am thinking sometimes about work, when we are walking on the trail. Having a different physical environment is good for seeing different solutions to the same challenges.

Survival school journal: Sunday (day 0)

My survival school course started on Sunday after a 4-hour van ride from Provo, Utah to the desert outside the small town of Boulder, Utah. The school is Boulder Outdoor Survival School, or BOSS for short.



From my journal that afternoon:

We just finished gear check and got a photo taken in our hiking clothes, in case anything happens to us. I made a pack from my wool blanket and rain poncho, wrapping the pack using parachute cord and seatbelt webbing. It feels great on my back! Just as sturdy as a REI pack :)




I am already accustomed to ants crawling on me. I've been bitten by ants a dozen times by now.

We are requested not to ask questions about our itinerary. These are called "inappropriate questions".

I am experiencing effects of altitude or heat or both. Headache, low energy. Occasional slight chest pains near my heart. My resting heartrate is up to 86 (in SF, it's in the low 60s).

Michael (student who is ex-pat in Jakarta) told me about going on a Habitat for Humanity trip, where he built a brick wall for a family in povery. So cool!! I will research it when I get home. I've wanted to combine travel, learning a skill, helping a family in need, and being in a community. Michael said some people who go on Habitat on Humanity come back and give away all their possessions. The high lasts for three months, and then they freak out. I'm shocked that it lasts for three months. I thought it'd be over in a few days.


Michael

Earlier we sat under a tree and shared our expectations. Much to my shock, four of the five others are doing this to learn skills in case of apocalypse and we experience a breakdown in plumbing and electricity. That did not even occur to me. I shared that my reason is to develop trust that my body is strong and will do what I ask of it, and isn't just a burden that I drag around in order to house my brain. Also, I live in a bubble, and need to immerse myself in other worldviews to wash out biases that have seeped into my thinking despite my preventive efforts.

I am thrilled that I ran the entire 1.5 mile test. Altitude is very powerful! My breathing became ragged almost immediately -- at nearly a 12-minute pace. In SF, I could do that pace for a long time without feeling much effect.

I just got up from the log I was sitting on, and discovered I had squashed several ants.

Shana is assigned as my buddy. We paired by birthday month/day and magically ended in the same configurations as the rows we formed in the van. That's a 1 in 15 chance! Shana is a redhead with green eyes from NYC. she is a regular Burning Man attendee. She is very warm and easygoing. I am happy she is my assigned buddy.


Shana and Michael standing near our luggage

We are setting off imminently. I'm carrying a cloth pack over my shoulder, like how women in rice paddies carried their babies.

The toughest part is done, right?

Altitude is tough, but I am really happy with how I did in my 1.5 mile run!  I did 17:45.  Really delighted to be middle of the pack (the two triathletes led the group, and then I was 4th out of the six people).

Other people casually decided to do this course, and did no extra exercise.  I am the only obsessive one who has been especially training for months for this day.

Then they fed us sandwiches.  I went into super hoarding mode and ate more than anyone else.

Now we are doing gear check and will embark soon.

En route

I met my survival school classmates!  There are six people in my class: four women and two men.  One is an ex-pat living in Jacarta.  Another is studying to be a life coach.

I am relieved that they are my age, not 18 year olds like an internet review said.  Two of them are super-triathletes.

Now we are driving to the desert.

Me as a 3-d mesh

One of the Sunfire startups scanned me and constructed a 3-d model in just a few minutes, using their awesome product.



You can see the triangular mesh that comprises me. This technology is so cool!



As a "graphics person", I was totally in love with this.

T minus 4!

Survival school in 4 days. I started drinking more water, and cutting out sugar & alcohol. I have my gear except a wool sweater.

I am most excited about:
1. learning to start a fire
2. new perspectives and epiphanies
3. surviving solo
4. the ceremony at the end
5. my first meal afterwards
6. calling Nikhil afterwards, and talking to him about his experience vs my experience on the course

I am most nervous about:
1. the impact phase: hiking on the first day with no food, while adjusting to altitude and heat
2. solo
3. contracting a stomach virus or ticks or other disease
4. being the slowest one in the group

the original was much more interesting

芙蓉 is an internet celebrity in China who is famous for writing posts about her "S-shaped body" and how she has "the face of an angel and the body of a devil". After each of her posts, thousands of people would leave comments about how deluded she is. Then a smaller number of people would write comments about how beautiful she is.


I just saw a new photo and now she looks like this!



I am shocked. But it's also a little sad -- now she's just a boring beautiful-person instead of a quirky oddball.

appreciating the view

I tend to take things for granted over time, like all humans. As a trivial example: my view. I still logically recognize that it's awesome, but I no longer have the same visceral awe. Recently I've been inviting over guests to live vicariously through their reaction.


Today I was talking to Jill about how I respect serial entrepreneurs with a track record of repeated successes. She said, "Such as whom?" I said, "Well, Mariam [Minted's founder/CEO], for starters." Then we were talking about other aspects of Minted and I digressed into how it's nice to work in a company with a balanced gender ratio (after a decade of Microsoft and Google), especially gender diversity in the leadership. There are women in the industry, but the number of women who are powerful leaders that can build a succcessful company and who I deeply respect as peers/role models is still small, and now I get to work with several on a daily basis!

I paused to think about it, and it struck me how awesome it is. I had a strong sense of feeling fortunate, like I used to feel in 2003 around Googlers who were amazing and fun, like Mike Burrows, Rob Pike, Jeff Dean, Steve Lawrence. Now I've lucked out again with Minted.

How do you make sure that you still maintain appreciation for the awesome things in your life? Maybe the important key was that today Jill asked me questions and I paused to really think about it.

five 9's

Having dinner with a female friend at Caffe BaoNecci.

Her: Because we work in this industry, I have a lot of guy friends. 99.999% of my friends are guys.

Me: But I'm your friend. So that means you have at least 100,000 friends. Wow.

Her: Whatever.

progress

June 9:

First jog for Utah survival school. Goal: 9.5min pace 1.5miles. Actual:10.9min pace for .65miles.

A lot of people laughed at me for not running an entire mile. They greeted me with "Hey, how's the training going? Did you run 0.6 miles this morning?"

July 10:

10.04-min mile pace for 2.18 miles

Survival school starts in exactly 4 more weeks!

new bucket list

I've checked off two items (eat at Gary Danko, read a bunch of books). Revised bucket list:

1. Take my dad on a trip to Russia.
2. Have a family.
3. Have a live Christmas tree, with ornaments.
4. Go on a trek to Everest Base Camp.

"whatever you're good at, there's an asian kid who can do it better"

J: he's not just playing guitar
J: he's playing the guitar parts and the vocal parts
me: oh!
J: i can't even do that
me: how does he do that?
J: he has parallel brain tracks
J: that let him think about the melody and the rhythm at the same time
J: it's like singing and playing guitar at the same time -- some people can't do that, but lots (like me) can.
J: that's probably because i have a cpu and a gpu
J: g=guitar
me: lol lol!!
J: he has 2 gpus!


me: he's so cute!
me: i want to pat his head
J: yeah he's cute but not kid cute anymore
J: those videos are 2008 -- in 3 years he's become a teenager
J: still cute but not teddy bear cute
me: yeah too bad
me: i liked the teddy bear cute
J: your loss is south korean teenage girls' gain
me: ha!!!


Later, with my brother Tom:

me: he is sooo cute
me: he looks a little like you as a kid!
Tom: makes you want to trade your little brother in, eh? =P
Tom: its ok i wouldn't blame you
me: no, my brother was that good, but at playing video games
Tom: hahaha
me: and at being a brother!!
Tom: =D

Checking one item off the bucket list

Yesterday I turned 32!   I had dinner with a few of my nearest and dearest at Gary Danko, one of the to-do items on my bucket list.

The restaurant brought out a little lemon mousse cake at the end, with a candle.  My birthday wish is that the next year can be as happy as the past couple of weeks.  (I know you're not supposed to share wishes, but this year I am disregarding that custom.)

The past couple of weeks have been happy because I am continually flooded with endorphins from exercising in preparation for survival school.

People have had mixed reactions to survival school.  One-third of people think it is amazing and want to sign up.  The others think it sounds crazy.  But nothing has ever motivated me to exercise so effectively. 

I am looking forward to being taught how to stay upbeat when exhausted, how to be in tune with nature, and how to trust that my body is strong and can prevail over intimidating conditions.

decisions that turn out 20/20

I was talking to a fellow Caltech grad recently about getting picked into Dabney House during college.

Every Caltech freshman gets picked into one of the seven Houses (dorms), during the first week of college.  It's like the Sorting Hat at Hogwarts.  At the time, I was more of a traditional Chinese person, so I thought I would be picked into one of the mainstream North Houses. 

Instead, because my photo ID had a picture of me sticking out my tongue, I got picked into the hippie House.  I was initially in shell shock.  My fellow denizens walked around barefoot, went hot tubbing nude, dropped acid, and did all manner of other things that shocked me to my core.  I could not understand how I, a traditional chinese girl, got picked into this House. 

But now in hindsight, I feel like there was no other choice.  Of course I belonged in the House where anything goes.  I am such a Darb.  It was also nice that we happened to have a heavy concentration of top computer science majors.

Sometimes decisions seem so arbitrary and inexplicable at first, and then in time they become clear.  Dabney House was prescient to pick me based on the goofy photo ID.  Now there are many times when I make a decision based on gut instinct and a small trigger, and it seems inexplicable at the time.  I start to wonder if I behaved foolishly to make a decision that I can't fully rationalize.  But usually it ends up making sense.  Sometimes it takes years to fully play out, but usually your subconscious makes good decisions.  Go with it.

Cooking class

I went to a cooking class today.

Cooking class is in the category of activities that become 10 times better if you do it with friends.

The cool thing about this class is that the ingredients are so fresh.  We used salmon that our instructor bought from Half Moon Bay, caught yesterday.

He is going to move kitchens because the current one won't allow him to bring in wine.  He may build a commercial kitchen.  It is amazing that he cares so strongly about wine.

Survival school

I signed up for survival school.  Since then, I have been running daily for pathetically short durations.  But even these uber short jogs are increasing my endurance.  I can feel it. 

I wouldn't have had the courage to sign up, except Jessica (googler friend who quit Google to teach at this survival school) said I'll do fine. 

I am becoming slightly obsessed about survival school, but am happy about this because it is making me live healthier.  I eat less sugar and exercise more.  How do people live healthily without a goal like survival school?  That is impressive.

steeling your mind: how?

How do you prevent yourself from getting swayed by the values of your environment?

I can catch myself starting to think things that I don't actually believe, just because I'm inundated with messages.

This happened to me before, in Seattle. Microsoft people really cared about review ratings. Sure, it's important, but people would really take it to an unnatural degree and obsess over them. For years, I thought this was silly. Then, from years 3 to 5 of being there, I gradually became more obsessed than anyone. Now I look back and find it ridiculous.

Now I can feel Silicon Valley pressures seeping into my value system. I know that it's not my actual priorities!

I'm sure that if I lived amongst a group of stamp collectors, within 4 years I'd become a stamp collector. If I lived in LA, within 4 years, I'd probably start caring about tanning or getting invited to celebrity parties or whatever LA cares about.

I can already catch myself having moments of wanting things that I know I only want because I keep hearing how other people want them. I'm afraid that in another few years, I'm going to start caring about buying a fancy car, or renting time on a jet, or ridiculous things like that. I'll look back on this blog post and think "Ah the naive me who did not realize that owning a fancy car is important!" But I look at this future me and am appalled at the possibility of turning into that!

Love

Tonight my friend told me about a Microsoft manager Michael, who transitioned to a woman.  He was married with a child, and his wife supported him through the transition.  They are still married.

I said that I would not be able to support my husband becoming a woman.

My friend asked, why not?

So then I thought "True, why not??" and couldn't come up with a good reason. 

Still seems tough.

Ephemerisle

I am at Ephemerisle, a floating festival of 100+ people.  There are a dozen houseboats docked in a circle, with a floating platform in the middle.

In the afternoon, there were mini-talks.  One was given by a former heroin addict, who has been 10 years clean.  He said he didn't get clean due to prohibition or police.  He got clean due to a program whose workers brought him clean needles and talked to him and loved him.  Another talk was about attaching hashtags to people to indicate how trustworthy/untrustworthy they are.

It reminds me of Caltech Pre-frosh Weekend.  It is such a lovely feeling of community.  I am usually sitting to the side, reading my kindle or phone, really enjoying the hubbub around me.

I ran into Pablo, a Google friend, who told me how he just spent 4 months working at the South Pole Station in Antarctica.  His wife and two kids supported him doing this.  I found it very impressive, because most people stop doing those types of things after they have children.

Later there will be parties and dancing on the floating platform and probably some fire dancing.

I would like a stronger feeling of community in my regular life.  It takes work to achieve.

A quote I like

From Penelope Trunk's blog:

you can tell if it's your own plan by how lost you feel. People who do their own plans feel lost most of the time. People who do other peoples' plans feel on track most of the time.

survival school

My friends Nikhil and Jessica went to survival school in Utah four years ago. In this class, students are taken out to the desert. There's a period of fasting and hiking, then a lot of hiking and learning outdoor skills, and then a solo period. It was a life-changing experience for both of them. In fact, Jessica quit Google and is now an instructor for the survival school.



I visited Nikhil in Boston last weekend. I asked, "Are you going to do BOSS again?"

He said no one else asks about survival school the way I do. No one remembers that it's called BOSS. I ask about it every time I see him (approximately once per year). He said I obviously have an unusual fascination with it.

He said I should go do it. He lent me a poncho and a cup. He reminded me how he felt an unbelievable sense of inner-peace for a few months after returning from the experience.

I am really incompetent in the wilderness, but I would love to be competent. I want to know how to start a fire, and have the confidence that I can hike for a day without food, and know how to make a shelter from the wind. Also the possibility of having a life-changing experience is pretty appealing. The course I'm looking at is a 7-day course (whereas Nikhil and Jessica both did the 28-day course).

I told some of my friends, and they were surprised. One of them, who I've known for 15 years, said, "Niniane, you cannot survive in the wilderness. You won't make it for a single day. You'll last for one hour. At one hour and five minutes, you'll be asking the instructors to get you out of there."

I've been obsessed about this class for the past week, since talking to Nikhil. My other Boston friend Nehsters got so tired of hearing about it that she used a bet (which I lost) to extract an agreement that I could no longer talk to her about it for the rest of the trip.

I asked my personal trainer Megan. I thought she might say it's ridiculous to drink lake water and fast for multiple days. She said our bodies were evolved to survive in the desert. She also likes it because on the first day, there's a Cooper 1.5-mile running test. I'm supposed to run it in 16:30 at altitude, which translates to 14:30 in San Francisco. Right now it would probably take me 18:00 in San Francisco. That is a lot of improvement necessary. I know I can do it because I was able to run at that speed in 2003.

I think I will do it, because I don't want to go through life knowing that this was an imagination-capturing experience that could expand my perspective, and I chickened out.

From an online forum:

One reporter who did the course wrote that he wouldn't do it again for a million dollars, but he wouldn't trade the experience for 1 million dollars either.

If I sign up, I need to figure out how to join some running groups in San Francisco. I guess I will look on meetup.com. Does anyone want to run with me?

company culture fit as a job decision factor

I've noticed that when I decide whether to join a company, culture fit has usually been pretty far down the list of priorities. Many of my friends are this way too. Usually we think about:

- the company's vision
- the type of work we'd be doing day-to-day
- whether we respect / like the coworkers
- compensation

Company culture fit does play a subconscious role, but I didn't explicitly count it as a decision-making factor. I rarely talked about it when going over my decision with others. But it is actually so important!

When you fit well with the company culture, you can just be yourself and success will come naturally. If you don't fit well, people will keep suggesting that you mold yourself, but it'll always be slightly off.

Luckily it is easy to tell whether you fit well or not. I use the litmus test of, "Let's say I were to start working here tomorrow at 9am. How do I feel about this?" Usually I have either a feeling of elated excitement, or a sense of dread.

Recently one of my graphic design colleagues at Minted told me a story of how he started working at Minted. He applied during the height of the holiday season, when traffic was at a peak. Halfway through the interview, as he was showing his portfolio, his interviewer said, "Ok, that's good." and asked him to immediately go into the next room, sit down at a computer, and start working. He has been with the company ever since, and is really happy with it. But he said that he had arranged his portfolio so that the best piece was last, and was disappointed that the interview was cut short and he never got to show the best piece.

That is an even stronger emotional test than my test of "working here tomorrow at 9am".

canvas

Which of these two photos would be better as a 16x20 canvas hanging on my wall?

A.


B.

This is someone's actual home!



It has inspired me to decorate my SF apartment.

hats!

Omst is visiting from Canada. We're going to our friend PZ's Kentucky Derby brunch today. This morning, in my San Francisco apartment:

Omst: "Oh, do you have any hats for this brunch?"

Me: [excitedly running into the closet] "Yes! Hats! [examining my collection] I only have two hats here! The rest are in Mountain View."

Omst: "But is one of them appropriate for a derby?"

Me: [walking out holding two fancy hats] "Oh, I mean I only have two appropriate hats. The rest are costumed hats."

Omar: O_o

---

Update: Later, at the Kentucky Derby brunch: