Friday, October 06, 2006

Gross-Off Battle

You may recall Alipé and my Gross-Off battle from July. Alipé asked for a recount, so I am expanding the vote to all of you, gentle readers.

Niniane's Story

I had a friend Jeff, whose dad is a paramedic. One day, I asked Jeff about the most disgusting case his dad saw.

A little old lady was shopping in a supermarket, and wanted a jar off the top shelf. It sat above her reach, and there was no stool in sight. She stepped onto the bottom shelf and reached her hand up as far as she could.

Even standing on the bottom shelf, she was barely tall enough to reach the top shelf. She fumbled with her arm fully extended, and her finger got caught in the hollow metal junction of the shelf edge.

She struggled to free her finger. In the ensuing kicking, she fell off the bottom shelf.

Her finger was still firmly wedged in the metal hollow. The shelf tore off the end of her finger and then pulled out a vein all the way from her elbow out through her finger.

When the paramedics arrived, the vein stretched from the shelf to the tip of her finger, as she stood on the ground.

Alipé's Story

Alipé: "I went to the Folsom Street Festival last year. This is a fetish fair, so you'll see a bunch of gay men dressed in leather. They like to wear assless leather chaps."

Cue: "'They'? Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?"

Alipé: [ignoring] "There were bondage fetishists and S&M fetishists. Some people had paddles, and you could pay them and then hit them with the paddle. [mimes swinging a paddle]"

Cue: "So how much money did you spend that day?"

Alipé: "I was walking, and I heard the sound of dogs barking. [mimes bark] Woof! There was a huge circle of people gathered on the corner, watching.

I walked over, and in the middle of the circle was a naked woman. She had upended two nearby garbage cans onto herself. [mimes dumping a heavy cylinder onto his body] There were scraps of rotting food, dirty dishwater from restaurants ... It reeked!

She was covered in the garbage, and the smell was causing her to vomit. The sound of barking was actually her retching. [mimes retching]

She was vomiting onto her own body, and using her hands to spread the vomit over herself. The smell was so awful that it caused her to retch even more -- a perpetual cycle of vomiting."

Which story is more disgusting?

Niniane's veiny woman
Alipé's vomiting fetishist

(Alipé, don't yield to the temptation of voting for yourself more than once to fake a victory. You don't want to turn this slander into truth.)


Anonymous said...

Sorry Alipé, although your story is also quite disgusting I voted for Niniane's. I guess her story beats any other...

KwangErn Liew said...

ouch and ugh...

The veiny incident reminds me of Final Destination. The vomit thing? Nothing out of the ordinary IMO. Still disgusting to me though.

But not as disgusting as what I've heard/seen.

I'll spare everyone here. Haha ;)

David Auerbach said...

Pfft. Two words: urethral rerouting.

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH. Not for anyone, really. Seriously, don't click on this link.

Step said...

I am quite sorry I read this story. Really, really sorry. Also, even sorrier I read the comments (and no, I didn't even consider following David's link.) Quite a shock to see someone considering the vomiting thing "not out of the ordinary". Guess I'm glad I don't live in California?

Ah, Ninaine, I'll just hope your future stories don't go in this direction. ;)

Anonymous said...

I've heard a similar story which happened to a friend's friend. They were playing football(soccer) and the goalie was wearing his wedding ring. At some point during the game, he jumped to block a ball going in the goal, somehow managed to get his ring stuck on the metal hooks on the top bar that holds the nets up and as he came down, his finger got yanked off.. and his vein pulled out. They had to hold him up whilst they waited for the ambulance folks to turn up.

Anyway, I can't believe people actually voted for Alipe's story! That's sooooo not gross!

PS - Nice pic of the two folks in the chaps! Grrrr..

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna barf. or faint.

Jake said...

Minor problem - when I click the return link on the poll results page, it leads me to

Anonymous said...

When I read these stories, I was so grossed out that I started vomiting all over myself, and then I got my finger stuck on the desk and ripped out my veins.

Thanks a lot.

JPrueba said...

Hi Niniane. When I click the "return" link in the poll, I get this error.

Not Found

The requested URL was not found on this server. Please visit the Blogger homepage or the Blogger Knowledge Base for further assistance.

Whats happening? A little bug?

Anonymous said...

They're both disturbing. But Alipe's story is disgusting, because the woman chose to do it herself. Niniane's story is shocking and pitiful, but not disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Hello, readers of Niniane's blog!

While deciding which story to vote for, please take a minute to reflect on the fact that I witnessed the events in my story first-hand, whereas Niniane's story is third-hand (at least). As such, her story lacks credibility.

Also, Niniane's retelling of my story is clearly sanitised. If I were to tell it to you myself, I can assure you that you would be more appalled by several orders of magnitude.

If you have already voted for Niniane's story without recognising these travesties, all is not lost! You can just rectify your mistake by voting for mine twice.

N said...

Please don't vote more than once. To provide some small barrier along those lines, the voting script has IP tracking.

Thanks to Jake & JPRueba for alerting me to my typo. I fixed it.

Anonymous said...

the vein story reeks of an urban legend

Unknown said...

Alipe's story maxes out on the gross-meter, but strangely it sounds more believable than the poor lady's vein story, so Alipe you got my vote.:-)

Sean Stidman said...


You must be a good writer because your finger story has created an incredibly vivid, disturbing image lodged deeply in my brain. I was hoping that after 24 hours I would have mostly forgotten about it, but it's still there. I find myself quietly shuddering every few minutes. I hope I can purge this disturbing mental image or I will soon turn into a mental patient :P