Thursday, June 01, 2006

Makeover list

Several friends have said to me over the past couple of years, "I would like to get a makeover to look less geeky and more hot." I point them toward a magazine rack of Glamour and GQ, but in typical engineer fashion, they say, "Those are too time-consuming. Niniane, you must know what I should do. Please give me a list of steps to follow, in prioritized order."

Tonight I'm sitting at this ancient Pentium 4 in my central Kyoto hotel lobby, and I'm a little bummed after a long analytical conversation with Tom. So, to fight the melancholy, I'm going to indulge my list-making desires. I'm sure you, dear gentle reader, already know everything on the list, but perhaps it will bring you some amusement.

For Women
In order of importance:

  1. Get a haircut. This is the most important step. Do not go to Supercuts. Go to a gay hairdresser who will wrinkle his eyebrows at your current hair, and then attack it with verve and with scissors. Look at this random web pic:

    If you are in SF, go to Scottony ($35). If you are in Seattle, go to Gene Juarez and ask for a $30 stylist (a $70 stylist will just make your head into an artistic creation that you can't maintain). If you are in a different city, you're on your own.

  2. Buy some form-fitting clothes. Stop buying size-12 clothes at Ross and then altering them to fit your size-4 body. Stop sewing your own clothes. Reconcile yourself with the fact that a hot skirt may cost you 80 dollars, which is 65 dollars more than a non-hot skirt.

    If you are really skinny, go to bebe. If you are average-sized, Express. Otherwise, Ann Taylor. (The law of symmetry does not apply here -- if you shop at Ann Taylor, do not send me an irate email about how I'm calling you fat.)

  3. Get your eyebrows waxed. Rarely will people notice explicitly -- you won't walk into work and have everyone's jaws drop at your newly coiffed eyebrows. But subconsciously people will gravitate toward your unquantifiable magnetism.

  4. If you wear glasses, switch to contacts or sexy glasses.

  5. If you have naturally perfect features like half of my friends, then you're done. Otherwise, find the most upscale mall around and call their Nordstrom MAC counter (the posher malls have better makeup artists). They'll do a little something like this for you:

    and you will be so astounded when you see yourself in the mirror that you will buy $90 worth of eye shadow and lipstick.

Those are the most important steps! If you do this, you will be so hot! People will be unable to resist you! When you come to thank me for this list, I will be unable to resist you! Be warned!

For Men

Same list, except skip the eyebrow waxing. If you have a ponytail, cut it off unless you have fine straight pantene-commercial hair.

For clothing, only wear T-shirts if you have a really hot body. Guys with great bodies should wear nothing but T-shirts, to flaunt how their ripped chest and abs make a free Nvidia T-shirt look hot. Other guys can wear something interesting, like cargo pants or collared shirts or striped sweaters (please not all at once).