Conspiracy theories are self-preserving

I have a hard time responding when friends send me conspiracy theories. 

The conspiracy theories usually have a built-in mechanism for deflecting all criticism.

Friend: "5G is causing covid-19!"

Me: "This has been debunked by reputable scientific organizations X, Y, and Z."

Friend: "Those organizations are all part of the conspiracy!"

Any scientific studies or debunking just get ignored as "part of the conspiracy", so there is no way to disprove them. It is quite frustrating.

asymmetry in taking care of family

In Western society, there is intense pressure to be an amazing parent to your kids, but it's acceptable to neglect your parents in their old age.

A parent who sends their kid to an orphanage is condemned. But if the same person puts their parent into a not-very-good retirement home and only visits them once per year, that wouldn't get a second glance. They'd get sympathy from their friends, "It must have been hard to put your mom/dad into the retirement home and not know if they're being mistreated."

The asymmetry is interesting.

Difficulty of what to say

I have been taking care of my mom for nearly a year now. I am often sad about it. It is lonely, and I get insecure. 

I talked yesterday to a new friend T, who does some caretaking of her own:

Me: "If I tell people how it really is, I feel like a Debby Downer. I don't want to complain to them a bunch every time I talk to them. Sending a holiday card was hard."

T: "Yeah, my grandma used to send a holiday letter every year saying 'Merry Christmas. Here's all the bad things that happened to me this year. I broke my hip. This problem. That problem. Anyway, happy holidays!'"

Me: "Yes, that is my fear. I don't want to be depressing every time I talk to people. But then if I focus on the positive, I don't feel understood. That is not real."

-----

Some people have surprised me by how they are able to understand and empathize. Others keep making an effort, even though they don't know what to say. I really appreciate both those sets of people. 

to remain well

Last month, I went to a retreat called "Yoga and Meditation in a Troubled World". We talked about presidential lies, climate change, feeling helpless and hopeless.

This was my favorite quote from the instructor:

"Self care is like self preservation, and self preservation can be an act of political warfare. To thrive, to remain well in systems of violence and oppression, is how we begin to dismantle systems of violence and oppression.”      -- Audre Lorde, activist

Audre Lorde

She means "self-care" in the sense of being at peace with yourself, not the meaning co-opted by the beauty industry to sell lotions and massages for $$$.

Previously I felt guilty if I felt at peace while horrible things were happening in the world. It was an epiphany to hear that it is actually useful.

Group yoga at the retreat

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linked

I've been reading books by Gloria Steinem. It is energizing!

I'm glad she is living a long life, and has written many books. I hope she writes many more.

Some things she has said, which I like:

Because I’ve had the luck of having friends from Indian Country here—and also visiting a few old cultures in India and Africa—I’ve had a glimpse of a time in which people were linked, not ranked. Those words are a good mantra: We are linked, not ranked.  

If we just stop looking up at leaders, and begin to look at each other, we find our power. [Can I still look up to her though?] 

Without self-esteem, the only change is an exchange of masters; with it, there is no need for masters.

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes

In "Revolution from Within", she talks about how interracial marriage was a crime punished by prison time, until the 1960s. She points out:

Among the many victims of such antimiscegenation laws were Asian men brought to this country by the thousands in the nineteenth and first half of the twentieth century as workers -- forbidden to bring wives from their own countries, and also forbidden to marry non-Asians here -- some of whom are still living.

Days

I have been taking care of my mom.

There are some days that are tough, and we both get impatient.

There are also really happy days. This photo was from a happy day: her birthday. 

15-month countdown

This presidency has destroyed my idealism. I used to feel joy frequently, and optimism. That's gone now.

It is not just the president's actions, though those are bad enough. It's disillusioning to see all the Republicans who support him, and the others who shake their head but then go right back to their daily lives.

On several occasions, male acquaintances said to me, "It really isn't that bad. I feared the worst after the 2016 election, but nothing too bad has happened."

I said, "Nothing bad has happened to you. Immigrants are being deported. Gay people are afraid that gay marriage will be revoked. Visas are much harder to get. Our climate is being destroyed. You haven't suffered consequences because you are not a woman, or a minority."

...

Is it all going to feel better after the 2020 election? Do I just need to hold out for another year, and this daily weight of dread and sadness will lift?

I worry that there is an innocence that is permanently gone. 

We need Buffy the ICE Slayer

Me: I learned that ICE often uses warrants that will allow them to deport someone, but doesn't allow them to enter a home or private space to make the arrest. So one of the top advice is to NOT open the door for ICE.

Aff: ICE doesn't have the right to enter if they're not invited?

Me: Correct. They are literally like vampires.

Aff: So, as long as you don't invite them in, they cannot cross the threshold.

Me: Take any vampire movie, and replace the vampires with ICE. The movie will still make sense.

good job, minnesota

I was touched by this support for Rep Ilhan Omar.

It is a gesture of allyship. Most protests are minority groups forced to advocate for themselves, such as the Women's March. There are allies present, but it's primarily the oppressed party forced to put themselves on the line.

This one is all allies. And it has a positive message. It's really nice.

I'm impressed that Ilhan Omar and AOC are not frightened. I have been frightened of the systemic injustice. I am inspired by watching them. Their courage is contagious.

Welcome Home, Ilhan Omar. pic.twitter.com/mAoVJ7Nk4A

— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) July 19, 2019

B-day time zone

Me: "Where should we go to dinner?"

Aff: "You should pick because it's your birthday."

Mom: "Oh, that's right! Happy birthday!"

Me: "Wow. My own mom forgot my birthday." 

Mom: "I wished you happy birthday yesterday."

Me: "But you forgot today, on the actual day."

Mom: "You were born in China. Your birthday was yesterday in China."

1 million of them would be bots

I have been reading a celebrity Twitter feed, which is very witty.

Me to Aff: "Do you wish I had 3 million Twitter followers?"

Aff: "No. Then you would be spending all your time trying to get to 4 million followers, and making me take photos."

Me: "You are smart."

...

Aff does not have any social media accounts. It is really great. 

Dollop

Yesterday, I was cooking a cornbread pork pie. Aff helped me put cornbread on the pork filling.

Me: "Just put dollops of cornbread over the whole top of the casserole."

Aff: [putting on dollops]

Me: "Great! Keep putting dollops. You're doing great. You're such a good dolloper!"

Me: [in Ballmer voice] "Dollopers dollopers dollopers dollopers."

Exciting convo about taxes

I saw Ozzir yesterday at a friend's wedding. Ozzir is moving to Japan. He spent a while telling me about how he will be taxed.

Ozzir: They said I might be charged based on original cost basis instead of original fair market value! Can you believe it?

Me: So you would owe a lot more taxes if it were cost basis?

Ozzir: So much more! I told them if they try to charge that, my answer will not be 'No'. My reply will start with 'f'. 

Me: Is it 'Fair enough'?

Australia

Talking to brother.

Me: Aff and I visited Atlanta and Albuquerque so far this year, and are going to Sydney later. I like going to places with diversity -- I learn more from the experience.

Brother: There won't be much diversity in Sydney.

Me: That's true.

Brother: Except diversity of animals. Poisonous animals.

The apple of knowledge and customs

Today Aff told me about a woman flying from France to Denver. She was served an apple on her flight, and put it in her luggage to eat later. 

At customs, she was searched and received a $500 fine due to the apple.

I said that compared to all the other issues that happen during customs and immigration, this was quite minor. She has to sign a form that she is not bringing fruits, so she should have known.

I wonder how I will think about this situation in 5 years or 10 years. Will I think that even though there are larger immigration struggles, this small issue is still an injustice? 

A good speech on narcissism

I heard a great talk at SXSW about narcissism. The speaker commented on how society attributes moral virtue to successful people. A new friend who is perfectly coiffed and lives in a mansion is given more of the benefit of the doubt than an "average Joe".

She said: "I do the opposite. If someone pulls up in the latest Tesla and lives in a mansion, I am more on guard. I am more skeptical of them until I get to know them."

I liked the talk.

Trolls

It's amazing to see the lengths that some trolls will go to. There's a person who's addicted to checking my blog, and writing negative comments. This person (from the New Jersey area) will sometimes check my blog several times per day, and then write nasty comments. They've been doing this for years.

Shall I feel honored that they're obsessed enough to devote a big part of their mental energy to doing this?

Strange that they don't just pick a different hobby, especially after years.

Bay Area dilemma

I am frustrated by the Bay Area. The housing market is pricing out non-tech workers. Many people in tech lack empathy for these displaced residents. California state tax is so high and yet the city has rampant homelessness and crime, and poor public transit. Many of the influential figures in this area are actually sociopaths.

But I really love the actual day-to-day work in my field, and the Bay Area is the epicenter of the most interesting work.

I don’t have any solution. It just bothers me off and on continually. 

How VCs get inadvertently biased

At dinner recently with a VC friend.

VC: I think VCs only judge companies based on how lucrative they are likely to be.  I don't think any VCs actually discount a pitch because it is coming from a woman or minority.  When you were pitching, did you think anyone judged you on anything other than your business?

Me: Several VCs said to me, "This is the first time I'm meeting you, so it will be very tough for me to feel comfortable writing a check for someone I have never met before." 

VC: Ok, that happens.

Me: How many black or Hispanic entrepreneurs are those VCs regularly spending time with?  Probably very few.  So the people they have known for years and feel comfortable backing are going to be other men in their circle.  That is how the bias plays out, even when the VC is trying to stay unbiased.

browser joke

I went to a fancy Moroccan restaurant with several people.  One of them was wearing an amazing black frilly shirt, and has cool buzzed hair that's dyed pink.

Her: "My sneakers light up.  I wear them when biking, and it keeps cars further back from me."

Me: [leaning over to look under the table] "Wow, maybe I'll get shoes like that.  I bike every day."

Her: "Oh man, I'm wearing sneakers, and this is such a nice restaurant!"

Me: [sitting upright and gesturing to her shirt] "That's okay, you look great above the fold."

I was so proud of this joke, but only one person at the table laughed.  So I'm repeating it here.