huge vote of confidence, i guess

At dinner with my old friend Melbs.

Me: "I've been learning soccer. I'm all into it now!"

Melbs: "That's great!"

Me: "I want to go to the World Cup."

Melbs: "To play or to watch?"

Me: O_o

goal (pun intended)

So adorable!

I am all into soccer now. I bought cleats and socks and a soccer ball, and I practice twice per week with a soccer coach. I discovered that most people learn as kids, and it's rare for someone to be a total beginner (like me) and pick it up as a adult.

But it's never too late to learn a sport! Losers live in the past, winners learn from the past! Vive la Soccer!

it's not easy being green

Seriously, it wasn't easy. It took 20 minutes to apply the green to my face.

Steve Jobs & love

I am so touched by this eulogy for Steve Jobs by his sister Mona:

Steve was like a girl in the amount of time he spent talking about love. Love was his supreme virtue, his god of gods. He tracked and worried about the romantic lives of the people working with him.

Whenever he saw a man he thought a woman might find dashing, he called out, “Hey are you single? Do you wanna come to dinner with my sister?”

I remember when he phoned the day he met Laurene. “There’s this beautiful woman and she’s really smart and she has this dog and I’m going to marry her.”

When Reed was born, he began gushing and never stopped. He was a physical dad, with each of his children. He fretted over Lisa’s boyfriends and Erin’s travel and skirt lengths and Eve’s safety around the horses she adored.

None of us who attended Reed’s graduation party will ever forget the scene of Reed and Steve slow dancing.

His abiding love for Laurene sustained him. He believed that love happened all the time, everywhere. In that most important way, Steve was never ironic, never cynical, never pessimistic. I try to learn from that, still.

Steve had been successful at a young age, and he felt that had isolated him. Most of the choices he made from the time I knew him were designed to dissolve the walls around him. A middle-class boy from Los Altos, he fell in love with a middle-class girl from New Jersey. It was important to both of them to raise Lisa, Reed, Erin and Eve as grounded, normal children. Their house didn’t intimidate with art or polish; in fact, for many of the first years I knew Steve and Lo together, dinner was served on the grass, and sometimes consisted of just one vegetable. Lots of that one vegetable. But one. Broccoli. In season. Simply prepared. With the just the right, recently snipped, herb.

Even as a young millionaire, Steve always picked me up at the airport. He’d be standing there in his jeans.

When a family member called him at work, his secretary Linetta answered, “Your dad’s in a meeting. Would you like me to interrupt him?”

Tuesday morning, he called me to ask me to hurry up to Palo Alto. His tone was affectionate, dear, loving, but like someone whose luggage was already strapped onto the vehicle, who was already on the beginning of his journey, even as he was sorry, truly deeply sorry, to be leaving us.

He started his farewell and I stopped him. I said, “Wait. I’m coming. I’m in a taxi to the airport. I’ll be there.”

“I’m telling you now because I’m afraid you won’t make it on time, honey.”

When I arrived, he and his Laurene were joking together like partners who’d lived and worked together every day of their lives. He looked into his children’s eyes as if he couldn’t unlock his gaze.

Until about 2 in the afternoon, his wife could rouse him, to talk to his friends from Apple.

90 minutes?!

On phone with my brother.

Me: "Tom, I have a dream.  I want you to support me.  Don't make fun."

Tom: "Okay, what is it?"

Me: "I want to learn to play soccer, and play on a recreational league in nine months.  I want to be an actual contributing member, and not just there so they can meet their co-ed status."

Tom: "Great!  Let's do cardio together when you visit.  You'll need to train enough to run 90 minutes."

Me: "I don't need to be put into the field for the whole game, just part of the game."

Tom: "The team only gets two substitutions.  9 people will be out on the field for the whole 90 minutes."

Me: "Oh really?  That's a lot!"

Tom: "You didn't know???  Why didn't you look this up before setting the goal?  Next you're going to say, 'Wait, there's a ball?  I didn't know I have to kick a ball around.  But I want you to support my dream of playing on a league.'"

Me: "How many balls are there on the field at a given time?"

Tom: "What!"

Me: "But seriously, 90 minutes is a lot.  Okay, but I'm still going to aim for it.  It's just scary."

Soccer

Today I told Lillers that I posted a "wanted" ad seeking someone to teach me soccer.  I am a noob at soccer, and I want to find someone to teach me, until I am good enough to play in a recreational league.

Lillers said, "How did you pick soccer?"

"I asked the personal trainer [whose service I bought for 2 hours from groupon] for any sport that I could actually become good at."

Lillers said, "That's so sad." but she said it in a loving way.

No one answered the ad for five hours, and I got depressed about it.  I figured it was a foolish idea, and I've missed the boat by not having been on a sports team as a child. 

But just now, one person has answered the ad, and I am immediately filled to the brim with excitement!  I am imagining a movie montage where I learn feints and run down the field kicking the ball.

It is my great hope that I could actually become good at a sport.  Not just be allowed to play because it's a co-ed team and they need women.  Or permitted to play for 5 minutes when the gap between scores is so great that I couldn't affect the game.  But actually to be a valid contributing member of a sports team, where people are glad that I showed up because it increases our chances of winning.

This is scary because it feels like too much to hope for.

ok, i will drink more tea

Today, my cousin and I were talking about our relative who was recently diagnosed with an early-stage cancer.

Me: "Is he okay?"

Cousin: "Yes, it's very early-stage.  They removed the cancerous growth cleanly."

Me: "What type of cancer is it?"

Cousin: [chinese words]

Me: "I don't know what that is.  What is it in English?"

Cousin: "I don't know."

Me: "What is the function of that body part?"  (thinking that if it's breathing, that's lungs.  If it's processing food, that's stomach.  If it's processing alcohol and toxins, that's liver.)

Cousin: "Uh....  [looks away at the wall]"

Me: "Oh, I get it now."  (It was prostate cancer.)



We talked about how two of my grandparents passed away from cancer, so there is a medical history of it.  My cousin said we should all "watch for it" and prevent it.  How can you prevent it?  He said we ought to be happy, reduce stress, eat healthily, and drink tea.

Minted at Caltech Career Fair on Wednesday

I'm recruiting at Caltech Career Fair tomorrow, hiring software engineers for Minted!
  Caltech campus (pictured are the "swirling blades of death" in Millikan Library pond)


A previous Caltech career fair.

  A collage of Minted office photos.

If you are a graduating Caltech computer science student, please come by the Minted booth! Or if you know someone who is, send them over to me at the Minted booth!

cake

I signed up to take a class called "One Great Cake".

In my imagination, the perfect cake looks like this:


Anyway, I was telling an acquaintance that if the cake looks too amazing, people won't believe that I really made it.

"I'll have to put some kind of special item in the center of the cake," I said, "You would only find it after cutting into the cake. A pistachio or even a little metal bolt.  Only the cake maker would know what's at the middle of the cake, so I can prove that I made it."

He said, "Or you can just take photos of yourself making it."

to boldly go

Tonight I ran into a Googler at South Park Cafe.  We used to sit near each other in 2003, when I worked in building 42 on Desktop.  I haven't seen him in years.  He is responsible for Google's university grants program, and he gave me an update.  When conversing, I caught myself saying "we" to refer to Google.  It has been a long time since I was there!  But some habits stick with you.

Yesterday I wrote about the idealism embodied in Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I appreciate how they strive to focus on the brighter parts of the human experience.

I think the best part of my Google experience was the idealism.  Everyone tried to do good for the world.  I remember learning for the first time that Google was scanning the Library of Congress books, to prevent a repeat of the Great Fire of Alexandria.  It was very ennobling.

People were always concerned about not doing evil.  Alipé once summarized the Friday TGIF questions posed to the founders as "Are we being evil in this new obscure way?"  I laughed but I thought it was a very nice attribute.

Minted is idealistic too.  We want to enable these indie graphic designers all the world who are talented but lack the right channels.  We want to bring beautiful designs to people during the emotionally significant occasions in their lives.

Sometimes I feel besieged with people telling me that idealism is naive.  They say ST: TNG is unrealistically perky, that all companies are deep down greedy, and that integrity and charity are always just a veneer.  But that is an awfully difficult way to live!  I choose to believe in idealism.

And to watch Picard.

ten-forward

I'm watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, on netflix streaming.  



It is an idealistic show.  The mission of the crew is to explore the universe, doing charitable missions.  I feel like modern shows center around much less noble themes, like scheming housewives, or voting off one group member per week, or competing to eat the most disgusting items.

The sets are impeccably clean, with bright lighting.  Patrick Stewart is trained as a classical Shakespearean actor.

Which modern show is closest to these idealistic tones?

who wore it best?

Tonight I went to see a play at the ACT Theatre in San Francisco.  I went with my friends CM and Adit.  The play is "Once in a Lifetime", which we bought via a groupon.



There was a scene that took place on board a train.  I liked how the actors swayed in a realistic manner to simulate train movement for the entire scene.



Then I realized that I am wearing the same cardigan.  Here's a photo from this morning, which I took to show my friend Elaine (she had suggested that I buy the cardigan when we went shopping).


The play was interesting.  It was a portrayal of Hollywood in the 30s when talking movies first came out.  Movie moguls threw fistfuls of cash at new actors, voice coaches, scripts, trying to capture the gold rush.  It was very reminiscent of Valley gold rushes, like mobile or social or video or ads optimization.

America, popularity, good grades

Last week Azer and I were talking about how we should invest our money.  Cash?  Gold?  Stocks?

One crux of this decision is how the American economy will fare.  Azer's view was that America is no longer the land of innovation that it once was, except in high tech.

I am more optimistic about America.  But the only thing that makes me more bearish is the way that America denigrates intelligence and studying.  It's taken for granted that in America, there is mutual exclusion between being well-liked growing up and having very academic hobbies.  The captain of the chess team is assumed to have trouble getting dates.  If you are in high school and win lots of math competitions, people assume you're below average in admiration by peers.

In China, getting good grades makes you MORE popular.  The valedictorian is usually very popular.  And respected.  It automatically gets you points.  In America, it automatically drags you down in the eyes of your peers.

I think this is the single biggest factor that could lead to America's decline.  Everyone wants to be loved and respected by their peers.  Making that at odds with pursuing intellectual activities is very damaging to maintaining the status as the land of innovation.

a quote I like

From my colleague Matt H:

Every day we slaughter our finest impulses.

That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every human, when they get quiet, when they become desperately honest with themselves, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source.

There is no mystery about the origin of things.

We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there.

~Henry Miller, Sexus

A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all-knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

painting

I took a painting class recently, where we all learned to paint the same thing.



I've taken painting at Caltech previously, and it always felt like I was stumbling along slowly. This time, being taught stroke by stroke how to reconstruct a painting was much more rapidly productive.

I made this painting:



I'm looking forward to going back and learning a few more styles.

as seen from the programmer filter

At Minted, just now.

Me: "Can someone give my brother an invite to pinterest?"

Intern: "What is pinterest?"

Me: "You pin things that you're interested in." [showing the homepage]



Intern: "So it's like Reddit."

Me: "Yes, but beautiful, for designers."

Intern: "/r/designers."

new solution when women complain about tech industry

Every once in a while, someone wants to commiserate with me about the challenges of being a woman in the tech industry. But I don't want to commiserate about it, unless we're going to brainstorm actionable solutions, and then take those actions. If we're just bemoaning the ways in which we're disadvantaged as a gender, that's very depressing for me. So it's awkward when people bring it up.

But now I have a solution! From now on, I'm going to tell them to read this book:




This is my new favorite book. It's an autobiography about Erik Weihenmayer, who goes blind at age 12. At first he rails against it. But then he learns that he can still excel at wrestling and mountaineering. Everything is harder for him. After graduating college, he gets rejected for every job, even dishwasher jobs.

When climbing, he gets big cowbells for his climbing buddies so that he can follow the sound and not fall off the mountain. When placing hooks during ice climbs, he can't see the color of the ice, so he devised a system of knocking on the ice and listening to it.

Imagine if he had just sat around saying, "Damn it, why am I blind?! This blows. Everyone else has it so easy compared to how much effort I have to put in." But instead he summited Everest. I am so inspired. I bow down to his action-oriented attitude.

Everyone has some "disadvantage". You're too young and people don't take you seriously. Or you're too old and people think you're obsolete. Or you are a minority. Or you are overweight and feel judged. Or your parents are super successful and you feel emasculated walking in their gigantic shadow. Or you changed careers and are starting out again in mid-life. Or you are newly divorced and feeling depressed about it. Everyone has something. So instead of complaining about it, find ways to overcome it! A blind guy summited Everest!

Retrospective on survival school

It has been 2.5 weeks since returning from survival school.  I called Nikhil last week and we had a nice chat about how the course removed mental limitations that we erected around themselves.  In life, we often constrain ourselves with "I can't fast for 36 hours while hiking 10 miles uphill." Or "I couldn't walk 25 miles in a single day." Or "I would go crazy being alone in the wilderness for 24 hours."  These are simply not true.   Every one of us could do it.

Nikhil revealed that he lent me the hat, poncho, and cup to make me more committed to going.  It worked!

I have taken some actions as a result of survival school.  I am addicted now to local organic produce, and get it delivered weekly.  I drink more water.  I stopped spending any attention on status within my work industry.  I am flying to Chicago tomorrow to visit Nina, a classmate from the course.  I messaged two volunteers who are leading Habitat for Humanity courses in 2012.  I am still exercising 3 times per week.

I highly recommend survival school.  I want to go back one day and take another course, maybe the 14-day or survival rescue.

Stay hungry.  Stay foolish!  ;)

poem about visiting

This is an interesting poem:

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn

...

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Survival school journal: Saturday (last day)

The guides woke us for the Final Challenge. By the color of the sky, it looked around 3am.

I feared the Final Challenge would be a grueling physical labor, like in Army Boot Camp when people have to exercise until they almost can't take it, for no good reason. But I needn't have worried. Final Challenge was perfect -- a beautiful experiene. [details omitted for future students of the course] I was alone the first hour, and with Shana for the next few hours. It was magical. I worked out things in my head that have bothered me for years. For example, I was always wondering how to balance my time between work, love life, and social life. During Final Challenge, it became clear that the most important thing is actually health, which I have sometimes neglected. Also, some other things that I thought were important to me (e.g. status within the tech community), kept moving lower and lower on my priority list as I thought about it, until I realized that they are not actually important at all.

After Shana found me, we continued together. She said on Impact after she snapped at me, she felt that it was over and she'd alienated her ally and now she'd be the outsider. I was surprised. I told her that's how I felt after I argued with T. Turns out Shana had been further behind on the trail and missed the entire argument except one comment when I announced, "I only have an issue with T, not with any of the rest of you!"

We got back to the BOSS office an hour after daybreak.


Me, near the end of the Final Challenge.

The graduation events were perfectly suited. We did a steam lodge (I fell asleep inside). Afterwards, some of the others jumped into a very cold pond. O_o We had ants crawling all over us during the graduation ceremony. I hopped from foot to foot to minimize being bitten by ants. Shana told me that she saw me over the week relying increasingly on my internal resourcefulness to overcome survival challenges.


Shana wanted Before vs After photos with the BOSS sign. But the sign was moved when we returned, so she had to pretend.

We packed. Two groups of 28-day students came in. Their two classes together comprised 13 students at the start (11 guys, 2 women), and six quit during the process. The 7 who were left (all guys) had bushy beards. They talked about how it rained for 10-12 days, up until right before our class started. They had a silent communion. One of them is 43, and the others are 19-23. They had a four-day fast (ours was 1.5 days) and a five-day solo (our was 24 hours). Two of them talked about how hard solo was. There was nothing to do for five days except measure the sun's progress across the sky. Another young man, Tyler, a philosophy student, loved it. He sat outside thinking all day.

They said the 43-year-old was the fastest of them. "He's a rockstar," Tyler said. "He would get up every day at 4am and scout ahead for fun." The older guy was looking at items around the store while we spoke, ignoring the praise. He finally said, "I'm twice your age."

We all took the same van back to Provo. It was a rather smelly van. :) The 28-day'ers ate candy bars and Subway sandwiches at every rest stop.

We got back to Provo and I washed my hands and face several times. I thought my hands were covered with a layer of dirt but it turns out actually they're tanned.

Mike and I "pre-ate" dinner at a sandwich shop. We shared a turkey-avocado sandwich. We talked about how there was diversity within the group and how everyone represented the extreme of an archetype. Mike is the perfectionist overachiever. Shana is the free spirit. I asked what I am, and Mike said the academic. He revealed that (unbeknownst to me) at least one of the other students said that I take a really long time to get ready because I'm thinking so much during it. But Mike commented that as a result, I'm organized and my pack never needed readjustment or lost anything.

We went back to the hotel and then all went out for Mexican food.

Mexican meal together, after returning to Provo.

...

That is the end of my survival school journal.

Overall I'm really grateful to my friends who had previously done the 28-day class, for encouraging me to do the course. It was like time travel to a primitive culture, where we were a little tribe that banded together to survive. The normal things we worry about didn't matter. We didn't worry about appearance, as we all were extremely dirty. We didn't carry or use any money. We talked about our work, but nobody was trying to impress anyone or make business connections (though now I'm trying to recruit Nina for Minted, ha! She's a UX designer with good experience).

We were forced to get along, because we needed to go through the survival lessons together. Even though we were so different from each other, we had many hours of things to discuss each day. The situation also led people to really open up and share emotional vulnerabilities. There was little ego involved. People freely admitted things that depressed them, or made them feel "less than their normal self", or made them anxious.

I experienced culture shock upon returning to the real world. On the street, everyone is rushing around so quickly, with no good reason. Conversations feel more superficial sometimes. When someone emanates a negative energy, it used to be tolerable, but now I feel compelled to get away quickly.

I purchased a delivery of organic fruits and vegetables. I have also been drinking twice as much water as before.

I might go visit Nina in Chicago over Labor Day.

The 14-day version of the BOSS survival school involves collectively slaughtering a lamb, to understand the process of where our food comes from. I might go back to take that course. Or I might do their "Survival Rescue" course where they simulate a 72-hour survival situation.