Gratitude day 30

I have been procrastinating writing the last day of gratitude because I have enjoyed the process and don't want to end it.

Today I went for a mini-hike with a group to the Dipsea Trail. I am grateful at how beautiful San Francisco is, with the nearby ocean and trees. You can do hikes in January in a T-shirt, surrounded by breathtaking views.

Korean culture

I really like Korean culture. I could imagine living in Korea. There are a couple things I especially liked: 1. There is emphasis around family, rather than individual glory and materialism. We watched a Korean movie that happened to be playing on television:

We could not actually understand any of the dialogue, but still watched it in rapt attention. It is about five athletes who attempt to qualify the Korean team for Olympic ski jumping.

One is doing it to win an apartment for his biological mother who gave him up for adoption as a child. Another is doing it to support his new baby. A third is doing it to get out of mandatory military service, so that he can stay home to take care of his grandmother and autistic brother. The fourth is doing it to win the heart of a girl.

2.

There is no tradition of tipping in Korea, for cabs, waiters, or service people. Yet the service was far superior to what I experience in the US. We took cabs three times, and twice, the cab driver got out of his car at the end and walked several minutes with us to find our destination. The third time, the cab driver pointed and made sure that we knew where we were going.

Similarly, waitresses were attentive, and came over to refill our kimchi continually. There is no tip, but they wanted to do it, because they actually care about doing a good job.

ass water

I started drinking tap water again, after survival school. Once I got used to drinking cloudy water where flies had been landing, tap water seems perfectly fine.

I am excited about the solo & sheep parts of survival school, but am concerned that this year's survival school will have almost exclusively men, who will not want to talk about their feelings. I will want to talk about my feelings, and I'm afraid I will be thwarted if the others don't.

Gratitude day 29

I am not in a grateful mood right now. In fact I am in a rather uncomplacent mood because I read some news that makes me envious. But I guess that is the benefit of this exercise -- to force me to write this.

Today I am grateful that my brother rode the Caltrain for over an hour to come to my work holiday party. He got to the Caltrain station early and walked a mile to buy a white elephant gift for the party. He bought gourmet chocolates and as a joke, put them into a giant Victoria's Secret box to embarrass the person who picked the gift. He also bought me a gift card when he was there.

(Ok this is already working. I feel more appreciative and happier, and slightly sheepish for being grumpy over my first world pains.)

Then Tom walked a mile back and sat at the Caltrain station waiting for me to pick him up. It took me longer than expected to walk home and drive over, and he waited patiently. When I got there, he had been sitting outdoors in the cold, holding a giant Victoria's Secret box, for an hour. I was super stressed because my top New Year's resolution is to be more considerate in everyday things. I could barely meet his gaze. But he was super empathetic and said it was okay and that he knew I would be stressed for this exact reason and it was fine.

I always say that I have the best brother in the world, and now you know 0.0000000001% of the reason why.

Wow, this exercise really works.

Gratitude day 28

I had a heart to heart conversation with my brother on the flight home. I apologized for giving him a fear of heights by teasing him that I would throw him over a railing at Carlsbad Caverns when I was 10 and he was 2, and for tickling him a lot. He gave me thoughtful replies that were kind.

I also read a good book from Gandhi's relative who learned from him: "Nonviolent Communication". It describes with many examples how to talk about emotional topics without making the other party defensive.

gratitude day 27

In Seoul, we ate twice at mall food courts. My brother chose them because they have plastic molds of the food dishes with clearly displayed prices.

We took a boat to Jeju Island.

On the ferry return trip, we shared a small room with bunk beds. There was a bare section of the room where you could sit on the floor and watch television.

My dad took out a few oranges and bread rolls that we purchased at a convenience store, and set them on the windowsill of the room. Then he said, "This is our food court."

We sat on the floor and watched a korean reality tv show about an extreme makeover that took 53 weeks and included a bunch of plastic surgery. My brother claims that over 50% of young Korean women have had some form of plastic surgery!

My mom said, "This room is nice! Here's our living room. [gesturing toward tiny space where we all sat on the floor] And our bedroom. [gesturing toward bunk beds]"

I was very grateful that my parents enjoyed the trip and made it fun.

Gratitude day 26: parents

Today I had a 2-hour conversation with parents about their struggles when I was growing up. They talked about the decision process behind various choices (immigrating on self-paid student visa to US, moving to New Mexico, my mom working all the tough jobs that she did).

We have talked about it previously but today covered different aspects.

Afterwards I felt like a more complete person, with better understanding of where I come from. It was such a vivid sense of well-being that I forced myself to be more alert crossing the street to avoid being run over in my distracted state.

Grateful for this conversation, a highlight of 2011.

Halfway support

I was talking to my brother yesterday about two friends, Portia and Josephine (names changed), who have both been housewives / stay-at-home moms for many years. Portia is very confident and talks about being the star of their family, whereas Josephine voices identity loss from giving up her career and mourns buried dreams. Both women have similar backgrounds. I was wondering how a similar situation has produced two widely differing levels of satisfaction and confidence.

Tom said that it is probably in large part due to the husband's behavior. Some people really value their home, so they would perceive a spouse who handles chores and home remodeling as adding a lot of value. Others don't value it as much, so they would perceive their spouse as not adding value to their lives.

He also said that Portia's husband probably encourages her more.

I said, "But Josephine's husband is always talking about how much he respects her and wants her to pursue her dream."

"It's different to support someone by saying 'i found a community college class you can take' versus 'I will work fewer hours and move to the city where you have more connections in your field, so you can follow your dream'."

I thought that was a good point. When I thought about the cases, I could see it. I can imagine Portia's husband moving to a new city to help her pick up her career, whereas it is harder to imagine it for Josephine's husband, despite how loudly he praises her abilities. He talks the talk but won't walk the walk.

Then I was thinking about the effects if someone claims they support you but won't put full action behind the words: "halfway support".

I have experienced this long ago, when two male friends / former romantic interests were very enthusiastic to help me when they perceived me as being in a less successful position than themselves. They would drive over to my house and spend hours helping me analyze career options and prepare for interviews. (This was many years apart, not both people at the same time!) In both cases, as the months went on, they learned new facts that revealed my job was more impactful than they thought, and potentially more successful than their own job. Suddenly they were making skeptical comments and sulking. It is a different variant of halfway support: "I support you unless you surpass me."

In both cases, I never actually entered into a relationship with the people, partly because I sensed the lack of full support. Actually having a relationship with them would have been a disaster. But I stayed friends and continued talking to them for years. I wonder now if even being friends with someone who does not fully support you is a waste of time. There is so little time and so many wonderful people in the world. Why not focus on the ones who fully support you?

I wonder how much of the "halfway support" is due to a person's natural disposition toward being competitive. My theory is that if a person is born noncompetitive, then they can easily be fully supportive. If a person is born very competitive, then their level of support depends on how happy they are with their own life, and how much they consciously train their mind to quell the competitive urges. If you are a competitive person, leave a blog comment with what contributes to your jealousy level versus ability to truly be supportive.

In the meantime, I think I will stop spending time with the partly-supportive friends in my life.

The next question is whether making harshly negative comments about most other people is a sign of insecurity and a red flag that the person is competitive and cannot be fully supportive. I have friends who voice negative thoughts on the vast majority (like 98%) of products, startups, and company founders. Toward me, they are thoughtful and encouraging. But I wonder if it is still a sign that if I ventured outside their narrow expectations, they would reduce their support of me down to halfway support too?

Gratitude day 25: food and lack of rumination

Tom booked us on a food tour yesterday. It was $80 per person but surprisingly my parents loved it and did not find it too pricey.

We ate at four different restaurants. The tour guide forgot our names and referred to us all night as Tom, Tom's sister, Tom's mom, Tom's dad. My brother was delighted. "That's how I think of our family," he said.

I have been able to avoid ruminating when my brother voices disagreements with some of my life choices. It is liberating to really be happy.

Gratitude day 24: rare shirt!

Tom gave me this very rare shirt! Previously this only went to members of the diablo team.

Also today Tom told me that I am in the top 10% of being helpful with serious situations (illnesses or job-related needs) but in the bottom 25% of being understanding over little everyday things like when to eat or buying gifts. I see his point. I am chagrined and want to be better about that!

Gratitude day 23: Hanok house

Staying the first 4 nights in a Seoul traditional hanok house, then we will switch to a regular hotel later.

I like the architecture. The only drawback is that rooms further from the main rooms are cold.

Having a common living room to hang out with parents and brother feels a lot more like a home, as compared to getting two hotel rooms.

gratitude day 22: Tom humor

13-hour plane ride was much more fun with my brother.

Me: "My hair isn't as poufy as before." 

Tom: "你老不pouf ，头发就说：“哪好，我也不 pouf 了.” ("You keep not poufing it, so the hair said, I see how it is, I'm not going to pouf either then.")

 ...

Talking about Tom's friend KS, who I met this year and started hanging out with at events.

Tom: "KS says to me, 'Tom, you're so awesome! Awesome like your sister!' [smiling, shaking head] I remember the days when it was 'Niniane is so awesome! Awesome like you, Tom!'"

 ...

Discussing going to Mexico in 2012.

Tom: "Why is it cheaper to rent a house in May? Is it too hot?"

Me: "Yes."

Tom: "They have air conditioning. Joke's on them! We're going to use a lot of their air conditioning."

gratitude day 21: circle time

Today was such a celebratory day! 

Our sysadmin brought in Tartine pastries and put them on JH's desk. JH is on a flight to the East Coast.

JH (in chatroom): Whaaaat! My desk was never so delicious while I was there.

W: Maybe the desk can only hold a single one of the items from this list at a time:
1. JH
2. Pastries

In the early afternoon, we held Circle Time at Minted. We sat in a huge circle and shared our retrospective. The people who have been with the company during previous Christmas seasons shared their stories, and then we took turns describing our most memorable moments of the season.

At 5:30pm, the management team went to Barrique (wine bar) to bond and talk about 2012.

Grateful for colleagues who make me smile so many times per day.

Gratitude day 20

I have liked computer graphics since college. Today I visited a Pixar researcher who I met at SIGGRAPH years ago. I asked whether he perceives creating animated videos as an activity that will become more widespread amongst novices.

He talked about the importance and difficulty of production quality and story. Live action video can be bad lighting and no acting but capture an interesting segment of life. Scripted video must require skill of moviemaking.

I found his insights really insightful, and was genuinely impressed. I feel like many people just echo the same trends they hear others say, like "pinning is the new activity" or "geo is the next big area". It was so good to hear original perceptions that are insightful.

I am grateful for surprisingly positive conversations.

Gratitude day 19 part two

Today I am super happy!!! Maybe from exercise. Maybe because the engineering team were such goofballs today.

Our syadmin wore a Santa hat that automatically flops from one side to the other as he wears it. It is hilarious when he gives an update on a serious topic like migrating a server, and halfway through, the hat re-flops itself.

T learned about the video "Shit Girls Say" and has been gleefully shouting "Twinsies!" at all manner of appropriate and inappropriate times. He sent J an email with subject line "Twinsies!" and no content in the body. We were getting a photo at a "welcome new engineer / goodbye interns" circle-of-life lunch today, and he shouted "Twinsies" right before the photo was taken. I was laughing so much.

Soon I will get to see my brother. We are taking the same flight to and from Seoul. I am excited.

Twinsies!

gratitude day 19: macabre

Today I am grateful that the people I care most about are all alive and healthy and well. It is very frightening to think about how this may not always be the case forever. I don't know how I would go on. I know this happens and people go on, so it's possible. But it feels like it would be unbearable.

Gratitude day 18

So many things to be grateful for today!

1. My brother's friend KW is a really upbeat person, and we have "happy chat" every few months. We write things like "KW, you are the best!!!!" "Tom has the best sister!!!" in long repetitive threads that I find deeply fulfilling.

2. Minted's executive coach is amazing. She has helped me become a more mature person, less judgmental, more relying on my inner compass and ignoring distractions. She has worked with leaders from Sequoia and GAP, and is so great! (If you want her contact info, email me.)

3. Azer visited yesterday and made a big fuss over my cooking. It was glass half empty, as in loud lamenting of "why didn't you start this cooking obsession when we were housemates??". But it was still sweet.

He asked how many kids I plan to have. I said maybe just one.

Azer: But you love having a brother!

Me: Azer, my brother and I are in the top 1% of sibling relationships! Our bond is like XXX (ex-googler), where everyone who sees him thinks he is good-looking, regardless of race or taste preferences! Anyone who sees me and Tom has to acknowledge we are the creme de la creme of sibling relationships. I can't bank on my kids being as lucky as my brother and me.

So I am grateful for Tom too.

Gratitude day 17: colleagues

Recently partner companies have been mailing us Christmas gifts. The engineering team has amused ourselves by finding out the cost of each gift.

Yesterday we received a big snack basket.

J: "Is everything on this table available for everyone to eat?"

Me: "Yes. But K is going to sit there on Thursday. So we have to eat all of it by then."

J: "Oh! (grinning confidently) No problem."

Grateful that Minted has recruited so many people who are both amazing and fun/funny.

gratitude day 16: secretariat

Today I'm grateful for two things:

1. I was so exhausted that I skipped all optional activities this weekend. I always wanted to have a long stretch at home where I read books and watched movies, but was afraid it would be boring. It wasn't! It was amazing and deeply fulfilling.

2. I watched "Secretariat" on netflix streaming. I was inspired that Secretariat's owner Penny Chenery is so steely and determined after 18 years of being a housewife. Her self-resolve was not beaten down by the doubts of her husband and brother teaming up to talk her down.

   

   I wish that my mother had the arena to set a world record the way that Penny Chenery did. I'm sure that my mom could've. She is a lot like the movie characterization of Penny. My mother just didn't have an amazing horse. Maybe my brother or I could try to be the horse, ha.

   

   Afterwards I read the real story of Secretariat on wikipedia and it was just as good as the movie!

   Sometimes reading the true story is a big disappointment after watching the movie, like when I learned that "Coco Chanel" fabricated the part where Coco's big love of her life proposed to her. Or how Erin Brokovich's boyfriend was a deadbeat who tried to profit off her fame, rather than the sweet stepdad from the movie. Or how the elves of Rivendell totally did not go to Rohan to help them guard against the Orcs. Historical accuracy, people!

   
   This totally did not happen. The elf-human alliance came much later!

   But the real story of Secretariat is just as good. Winning by 31 lengths to secure the Triple Crown! From housewife to first lady of horseracing!

tact, honesty, regrets of the dying

My dad often tells me that I need to be more tactful.  He gets very angry when I voice unwelcome opinions to other people, and says that this is going to engender resentment which will one day bite me without me even knowing it.

My colleague Melissa also advises me that there's a time and place for things.  It's not my place to tell casual friends about negative opinions.  Her example is: "You can't tell someone that they have an ugly baby, unless it's your spouse."

She said that if I want to be radically honest, that's my choice.  But then I have to accept that it's not the norm in our society, and I must be prepared to deal with the consequences.

I'm not sure if I'm prepared to deal with the consequences!

Today I'm reading the list of Top 5 Regrets of the Dying:

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

How to reconcile this?  I don't want to experience this regret as I'm dying.  But I also don't want to offend people and then regret it as I'm living.