Tom, funny, in Puerto Vallarta

I rented an apartment for my family in Puerto Vallarta.  It is near the ocean.

(Mom walking onto balcony)

I was worried that my brother would find it too boring, but he was actually pleased that it's sunny, has a gym, and food is cheap.

"I sat on the balcony and looked at the ocean today," he said.  "If I had a Corona, it would've been a commercial.  As it was, it was a virgin corona commercial."

My brother and I walked past a street vendor who called out to Tom, enticing him to buy wares.  "Is that your sister or fiance?" they shouted at him, referring to me.  

I realized this must be carefully A/B tested to perfection.  Whether I'm his aunt, mom, cousin, or sister, I would be happy that I look like his sister.  Similarly, whether it was his girlfriend, fiance, or wife, she would be happy to be called the fiance, because that's the maximal lovebird-y status.

In every possible scenario, the listener would be flattered.  Good work, street vendor!

I asked Tom whether he would go with my dad and I to Russia (one of my bucket list items).

Tom: "I'm not sure.  I just started a new job, so I might not be able to get the time off work."

Me: "I guess we could postpone it for you, but then you'd better come!  If we postpone it for you, and you still don't come, I would throw you into a lake.  I would tell you that we're going for tea, but then I'd actually drive to a lake and throw you into it."  [throwing motion]

Tom: "Then why wouldn't you tell me we're going to tea, but then actually drive to the airport and reveal that we're getting on a flight to Russia."

...

Me: "There's this tour group that goes around the Golden Ring of little towns between Moscow and St. Petersburg."

Tom: "You would hate it!  They're probably going to start really early every morning.  They'll be like, 'In soviet Russia, human rises with the sun.'"