I rented an apartment for my family in Puerto Vallarta. It is near the ocean.
(Mom walking onto balcony)
I was worried that my brother would find it too boring, but he was actually pleased that it's sunny, has a gym, and food is cheap.
"I sat on the balcony and looked at the ocean today," he said. "If I had a Corona, it would've been a commercial. As it was, it was a virgin corona commercial."
My brother and I walked past a street vendor who called out to Tom, enticing him to buy wares. "Is that your sister or fiance?" they shouted at him, referring to me.
I realized this must be carefully A/B tested to perfection. Whether I'm his aunt, mom, cousin, or sister, I would be happy that I look like his sister. Similarly, whether it was his girlfriend, fiance, or wife, she would be happy to be called the fiance, because that's the maximal lovebird-y status.
In every possible scenario, the listener would be flattered. Good work, street vendor!
I asked Tom whether he would go with my dad and I to Russia (one of my bucket list items).
Tom: "I'm not sure. I just started a new job, so I might not be able to get the time off work."
Me: "I guess we could postpone it for you, but then you'd better come! If we postpone it for you, and you still don't come, I would throw you into a lake. I would tell you that we're going for tea, but then I'd actually drive to a lake and throw you into it." [throwing motion]
Tom: "Then why wouldn't you tell me we're going to tea, but then actually drive to the airport and reveal that we're getting on a flight to Russia."
Me: "There's this tour group that goes around the Golden Ring of little towns between Moscow and St. Petersburg."
Tom: "You would hate it! They're probably going to start really early every morning. They'll be like, 'In soviet Russia, human rises with the sun.'"