We have talked about it previously but today covered different aspects.
Afterwards I felt like a more complete person, with better understanding of where I come from. It was such a vivid sense of well-being that I forced myself to be more alert crossing the street to avoid being run over in my distracted state.
Grateful for this conversation, a highlight of 2011.
Tom said that it is probably in large part due to the husband's behavior. Some people really value their home, so they would perceive a spouse who handles chores and home remodeling as adding a lot of value. Others don't value it as much, so they would perceive their spouse as not adding value to their lives.
He also said that Portia's husband probably encourages her more.
I said, "But Josephine's husband is always talking about how much he respects her and wants her to pursue her dream."
"It's different to support someone by saying 'i found a community college class you can take' versus 'I will work fewer hours and move to the city where you have more connections in your field, so you can follow your dream'."
I thought that was a good point. When I thought about the cases, I could see it. I can imagine Portia's husband moving to a new city to help her pick up her career, whereas it is harder to imagine it for Josephine's husband, despite how loudly he praises her abilities. He talks the talk but won't walk the walk.
Then I was thinking about the effects if someone claims they support you but won't put full action behind the words: "halfway support".
I have experienced this long ago, when two male friends / former romantic interests were very enthusiastic to help me when they perceived me as being in a less successful position than themselves. They would drive over to my house and spend hours helping me analyze career options and prepare for interviews. (This was many years apart, not both people at the same time!) In both cases, as the months went on, they learned new facts that revealed my job was more impactful than they thought, and potentially more successful than their own job. Suddenly they were making skeptical comments and sulking. It is a different variant of halfway support: "I support you unless you surpass me."
In both cases, I never actually entered into a relationship with the people, partly because I sensed the lack of full support. Actually having a relationship with them would have been a disaster. But I stayed friends and continued talking to them for years. I wonder now if even being friends with someone who does not fully support you is a waste of time. There is so little time and so many wonderful people in the world. Why not focus on the ones who fully support you?
I wonder how much of the "halfway support" is due to a person's natural disposition toward being competitive. My theory is that if a person is born noncompetitive, then they can easily be fully supportive. If a person is born very competitive, then their level of support depends on how happy they are with their own life, and how much they consciously train their mind to quell the competitive urges. If you are a competitive person, leave a blog comment with what contributes to your jealousy level versus ability to truly be supportive.
In the meantime, I think I will stop spending time with the partly-supportive friends in my life.
The next question is whether making harshly negative comments about most other people is a sign of insecurity and a red flag that the person is competitive and cannot be fully supportive. I have friends who voice negative thoughts on the vast majority (like 98%) of products, startups, and company founders. Toward me, they are thoughtful and encouraging. But I wonder if it is still a sign that if I ventured outside their narrow expectations, they would reduce their support of me down to halfway support too?
We ate at four different restaurants. The tour guide forgot our names and referred to us all night as Tom, Tom's sister, Tom's mom, Tom's dad. My brother was delighted. "That's how I think of our family," he said.
I have been able to avoid ruminating when my brother voices disagreements with some of my life choices. It is liberating to really be happy.
Also today Tom told me that I am in the top 10% of being helpful with serious situations (illnesses or job-related needs) but in the bottom 25% of being understanding over little everyday things like when to eat or buying gifts. I see his point. I am chagrined and want to be better about that!
I like the architecture. The only drawback is that rooms further from the main rooms are cold.
Having a common living room to hang out with parents and brother feels a lot more like a home, as compared to getting two hotel rooms.
In the early afternoon, we held Circle Time at Minted. We sat in a huge circle and shared our retrospective. The people who have been with the company during previous Christmas seasons shared their stories, and then we took turns describing our most memorable moments of the season.JH (in chatroom): Whaaaat! My desk was never so delicious while I was there.
W: Maybe the desk can only hold a single one of the items from this list at a time:
1. JH
2. Pastries
He talked about the importance and difficulty of production quality and story. Live action video can be bad lighting and no acting but capture an interesting segment of life. Scripted video must require skill of moviemaking.
I found his insights really insightful, and was genuinely impressed. I feel like many people just echo the same trends they hear others say, like "pinning is the new activity" or "geo is the next big area". It was so good to hear original perceptions that are insightful.
I am grateful for surprisingly positive conversations.
Our syadmin wore a Santa hat that automatically flops from one side to the other as he wears it. It is hilarious when he gives an update on a serious topic like migrating a server, and halfway through, the hat re-flops itself.
T learned about the video "Shit Girls Say" and has been gleefully shouting "Twinsies!" at all manner of appropriate and inappropriate times. He sent J an email with subject line "Twinsies!" and no content in the body. We were getting a photo at a "welcome new engineer / goodbye interns" circle-of-life lunch today, and he shouted "Twinsies" right before the photo was taken. I was laughing so much.
Soon I will get to see my brother. We are taking the same flight to and from Seoul. I am excited.
Twinsies!
1. My brother's friend KW is a really upbeat person, and we have "happy chat" every few months. We write things like "KW, you are the best!!!!" "Tom has the best sister!!!" in long repetitive threads that I find deeply fulfilling.
2. Minted's executive coach is amazing. She has helped me become a more mature person, less judgmental, more relying on my inner compass and ignoring distractions. She has worked with leaders from Sequoia and GAP, and is so great! (If you want her contact info, email me.)
3. Azer visited yesterday and made a big fuss over my cooking. It was glass half empty, as in loud lamenting of "why didn't you start this cooking obsession when we were housemates??". But it was still sweet.
He asked how many kids I plan to have. I said maybe just one.
Azer: But you love having a brother!
Me: Azer, my brother and I are in the top 1% of sibling relationships! Our bond is like XXX (ex-googler), where everyone who sees him thinks he is good-looking, regardless of race or taste preferences! Anyone who sees me and Tom has to acknowledge we are the creme de la creme of sibling relationships. I can't bank on my kids being as lucky as my brother and me.
So I am grateful for Tom too.
Yesterday we received a big snack basket.
J: "Is everything on this table available for everyone to eat?"
Me: "Yes. But K is going to sit there on Thursday. So we have to eat all of it by then."
J: "Oh! (grinning confidently) No problem."
Grateful that Minted has recruited so many people who are both amazing and fun/funny.
Today I'm grateful for two things:
I watched "Secretariat" on netflix streaming. I was inspired that Secretariat's owner Penny Chenery is so steely and determined after 18 years of being a housewife. Her self-resolve was not beaten down by the doubts of her husband and brother teaming up to talk her down.
I wish that my mother had the arena to set a world record the way that Penny Chenery did. I'm sure that my mom could've. She is a lot like the movie characterization of Penny. My mother just didn't have an amazing horse. Maybe my brother or I could try to be the horse, ha.
Afterwards I read the real story of Secretariat on wikipedia and it was just as good as the movie!
Sometimes reading the true story is a big disappointment after watching the movie, like when I learned that "Coco Chanel" fabricated the part where Coco's big love of her life proposed to her. Or how Erin Brokovich's boyfriend was a deadbeat who tried to profit off her fame, rather than the sweet stepdad from the movie. Or how the elves of Rivendell totally did not go to Rohan to help them guard against the Orcs. Historical accuracy, people!
But the real story of Secretariat is just as good. Winning by 31 lengths to secure the Triple Crown! From housewife to first lady of horseracing!
My dad often tells me that I need to be more tactful. He gets very angry when I voice unwelcome opinions to other people, and says that this is going to engender resentment which will one day bite me without me even knowing it.
My colleague Melissa also advises me that there's a time and place for things. It's not my place to tell casual friends about negative opinions. Her example is: "You can't tell someone that they have an ugly baby, unless it's your spouse."
She said that if I want to be radically honest, that's my choice. But then I have to accept that it's not the norm in our society, and I must be prepared to deal with the consequences.
I'm not sure if I'm prepared to deal with the consequences!
Today I'm reading the list of Top 5 Regrets of the Dying:
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
How to reconcile this? I don't want to experience this regret as I'm dying. But I also don't want to offend people and then regret it as I'm living.
On the ride back, my friend and I started talking about how if anything happens to you, it is completely your responsibility. I was raised this way. If I got mugged, my dad would say it was my responsibility for choosing to walk in that location, and have body language of an easy target. If I were betrayed by a friend, my dad would say I should have noticed the errant behavior leading up to it, and chosen friends more wisely.
At first it feels unsupportive, to undergo a bad situation and then be told how you could have prevented it. But then it is reassuringly powerful, to think of everything as under your control. It makes you focus on how to prevent future problems.
The engineering team also toured the nearby chocolate factory TCHO. TCHO puts new chocolate products in beta. Also they can monitor their factory remotely via iPhone.
Their first sentence said they are obsessed with chocolate and obsessed with detail. I am grateful that this year I learned about attention to detail on every aspect of a business.
1. Blister prevention. Last time I had no blisters for 6 days and then several big ones on day 7. But it was the last day, so I just powered through it. This time it is 14 days. How to prevent blisters?
2. Sunscreen. Despite using copious sunscreen, I worry about the skin on my face developing sun spots and blemishes from being in the sun. Cannot let that happen! My face needs to look the same until I am 50!
3. Remember to take chapstick this time!
4. Learn to make a fire before I go.
Last time there were 4 women and 2 men, which created such a bonding nurturing environment. This time they warned me it is likely just one woman (me) or at most one other. I hope there is one other woman! A warm friendly person, not cold.
