Monday, August 13, 2007

cuddle buddies

"Mindy" told me last week about her cuddle buddies.

A cuddle buddy is a man who will go over to the woman's house and cuddle with her all night, but NOTHING MORE. There is no kissing. The two of them are not dating. They just change into pajamas and get into bed and spoon until the next morning. Also, this arrangement can last for several months.

If you are reading this with your mouth open, while thinking, "WTF?? Such a thing exists?", then you are echoing what I said. This completely blew my mind.

I asked Mindy, "The guys don't spend the entire night trying to undress you?"

"No!" she said. "That's never happened!"

Since then, I've been pestering her to reveal how she does this. Not that I want such a thing -- I expect the situation inevitably ends in tragedy (and Mindy confirmed it typically does). But how is she able to fight off the male instincts bred through millenia of evolution?

The two of us attended a lovely cocktail party on Friday, and I decided to poll the guy sitting next to us on the couch. We had just met him twenty minutes prior. He's a Stanford grad in his mid-20s, doing research in a biology lab.

"I'm conducting a survey," I said. "Would you ever agree to an arrangement where you cuddle with a woman and do nothing more than cuddling, for six months?"

"I could see it," he said. "Physical contact is a need that everyone has."

I asked my next question. "Are you straight?"

"Yes," he said.

Then other friends distracted us, and the survey was halted at that point, with 100% of straight men polled being in favor of cuddle buddies.

Is this a secret side to men? Despite all their bravado about sexual conquest, they actually yearn to be big cuddle bears? Somehow I suspect not.

[Note: Any rude remarks about Mindy in the comments section will be deleted.]


Matt/Australia said...

Pardon the language - but does the guy get to touch the girl's tits whilst cuddling? Are they fully clothed?

I assume in bay area this type of thing is possible - given (i'm assuming) that half the tech guys have probably never been laid, let alone kissed a girl.

But no dude that has had the pleasure of intercourse would put up with this type of arrangement - unless he was head fu##ed on the chick and putting in the hard yards hoping for a better outcome.

Hogwash said...

Fags I tell you all of them are fags

I love my girlfriend said...

Personally I am a heterosexual male and have a cuddle buddy. I love her so much, she is also known as my girlfriend.

I love to cuddle with her. It is a perfect peaceful end to a hard days work.

I have already had her that is why I do not desire more than a cuddle.

I prefer sex with other girls and hookers.

Anonymous said...

Comments about Mindy are off limits?

No fair...

Toying with the natural needs and desires of men seems a bit naive and even dangerous.

Recovering Male Cuddle Buddy said...

It's no big deal really, spooning is a very comfortable way to sleep.

I don't have any particular wish to have sex with any of my cuddle buddies. Although, it would be rude to refuse. And it's only polite to make half hearted efforts at a pass. But, nah, it's better without the hassle.

Yes, matt/australia, I've had lots of sex. Science defeats your argument. And I'm very straight, hogwash. Although if you continue turning me on with those homophobic epitaphs, I might make an exception for you.

Face facts said...

My friends and I have also taken polls. The statistics from our non scientific yet broad based data collection from many ethnicities concludes the following.

Most men will either get some or self service about 4 times per week minimum. (frequency varies based on stimuli)

It could be any combination from sex 1 time and autoerotic stimulation 3 times per week. To all 4 releases being internet based.

If the cuddle buddy is only getting cuddles there. You can bet that he is wacking off to internet porn before he rings her door bell at bed time.

Either that or else in her shower in the morning he is rubbing one out making sure to put the residue on her face towel.

Russell said...

While I don't dispute the existence of such people, I think that your survey to identify them will have results skewed by the method you've used to conduct it.

That is, you as a woman are approaching heterosexual males and asking them if they would consider ever being a cuddle buddy.

Is it possible that some non-trivial fraction of people polled in this way will answer in the affirmative because they assume that an answer of "no" would be held against them by the poller? There is the possibility that one could use this question to screen for those who answer "no", regarding them as somehow more honest (not necessarily true by any means). In this case, some sort of silly backwards induction could be in order, much like the alleged strategy and person-reading involved in competitive rock-paper-scissors.

To return to the question at hand, I think that no, this is not a hidden side to all men, nor do I take these examples to be generalizable to any large fraction of the straight male population. There are exceptions, and evidently Mindy has found some number of them. Note also that we do not know if any of Mindy's cuddle buddies would hesitate to take any invitation for furthering their "sexual conquests" as you so delicately put it. I think it would be far more interesting to take a group of known cuddle-buddies and ask them their thoughts.

zebe said...

have done and would do again, but not as a replacement for a girlfriend/boyfriend, not even close. that said, cuddling is a very nice activity. sure, guys want sex, but not 100% of the time, just about 99. oh, and also, another problem is talking about "men" (or women) like they are a uniform group of people who all want the exact same thing. engineers trying to engineer people are as bad as psychologists trying to write software. people aren't computers.

Si said...

I expect it is a lot easier to say you'll be a cuddle buddy than it is to actually be one.

If you asked me in a bar if I could do it, I would probably claim that I could. I might even believe myself.

In the cold light of day? No.

Niniane said...

re: Si. Funny, I thought it'd be the opposite. In daytime, your logical side might say you could do it, but at night, the hormones kick in, and overpowers rational decisions.

zb42 said...

It's a trap guys. I was asked once by a friend who happened to be a girl to be a cuddle buddy. It worked for one night, then SHE jumped me the 2nd night, and I ended up in an awkward bf-gf relationship for a couple of months.

Needless to say, we're not friends anymore. Sad really, because we were really good friends, she wasn't my type to begin with, and I started out with no intentions on her.

My take is if a straight guy is "nice" enough or "foolish" enough to really try to be a cuddle buddy, no matter how earnest and sincere one's intentions are, the animal is each of us eventually takes over.

Especially, when one's guard is down, i.e. drunk, sleeping, tired, etc. Sex is a primal need which yearns to be fulfilled, and with all due respect to N's friend:

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Si said...


No, my logical, analytical side is responsible for playing the scene forward in my mind's eye and down that road frustration lies ('lays' would be a pun there too. None intended.)

If an attractive woman asked me a survey question in a bar setting, especially under the influence of alcohol, I would say whatever I thought she wanted to hear.

I think I'm really shallow.

I wonder if it's too late to hit the "Anonymous" radio button...

Anonymous said...

For most people, cuddling in bed generally means spooning and that generally means the man is situated behind the woman.

My contention is that even fully clothed, there is a certain apendage that will end up between a certain crevice at some point in the night and certainly by morning.

This seems like very harsh punishment for the man and I call BS on those that say they can do it and not want it!

Mindy admits that it generally ends badly so I assume she doesn't ask a "real" friend to be a cuddle buddy which means she ask those who are not "real' friends and thus they really are in it for the enventual lay.

If she does ask "real" friends...then she is just cold and heartless and will soon be out of "real" friends.

Anonymous said...

Niniane, you teach me the vocabulary "cuddle" for my life.

Anonymous said...

Two words.

Dazhi said...

i think this is a bad idea. it's like opening a joint bank account with a compulsive thief....

Angie said...

In college I had hug buddies. Guys who would find me once a day and give me good, long, body melding hugs.

It started when I told one of my guy friends from home that I was touch deprived. I grew up in a touchy feely household and when I left for college, all of a sudden I had a void. It was hard not getting a hug every day. So daily two guys, one from home and one I met while in college, would find me on campus and hug me. It never went beyond that. Sure I loved hugging their hard bodies, lol and wouldn't have done the same with a woman, but neither of us tried to make it more than a hug.

Touch is a basic human need. Every male/female interaction doesn't have to involve sex.

Anonymous said...

Why, yes, beta males often date cockteases because they can't get anything better.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous wrote: For most people, cuddling in bed generally means spooning and that generally means the man is situated behind the woman.

My contention is that even fully clothed, there is a certain apendage that will end up between a certain crevice at some point in the night and certainly by morning.

That, indeed, I will agree is the problem here. You can say no sex, but what about that basic physical reaction?

Anonymous said...

angie is a cocktease who doesn't know anything about men, and doesn't care about her feelings. She's the type to cuddle, hug, kiss, and grope a guy, and then when he asks her to go on a date, she'll say "WHAT?!! OH MY GOD I TOTALLY THOUGHT WE WERE JUST FRIENDS!!! HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU THINK THAT CUDDLING, TOUCHING, MAKING OUT, GROPING, AND STROKING COULD *POSSIBLY* MEAN WE WERE MORE THAN FRIENDS?!!??"

Stop playing dumb you stupid attention whore.

Jason said...

Niniane, you are being naive. Of course 100% of straight men polled would be in favor of cuddle buddies. That's because guys think that they can charm the woman into having sex with them once they have cuddled with them for a while. Half the battle is just getting the woman in bed. That said, if a woman does just want to be cuddle buddies, she should at least give the guy a handjob every now and them to say "thanks for the cuddle!" It's only polite...

Anonymous said...

"I could see it," he said. "Physical contact is a need that everyone has."


Translation: "Whatever bullshit I have to say to these 2 sluts to get laid is fine with me!"

Eric said...

I had such an arrangement many years ago after I graduated from Berkeley. We liked each other, just not enough -- more than friends, less than lovers. After she got married, it was hard staying friends. I just felt shut out. She tells me she felt the same after I got married. Alpha, beta, gamma, whatever... a guy and girl can be "cuddle buddies." But, at some point, there might be an emotional price to pay.

As for the "100%", I am sure they meant it at the moment, but deep down some of those guys were scamming.

Anonymous said...

Here's another vote that no straight male would do this knowing it would only be platonic.

Anonymous said...

The way to get an answer to this question is to reverse the situation:

Would a girl be ok having a guy come over each day, give the guy a hand job, and then he leaves. No cuddling, no dating, no talking, he could be having sex with someone else. JUST meeting up for a hand job each day.

Would you be ok with that Niniane? What about your friend?

bacula dracula said...

I find it disturbing due to the explicit lack of real intimacy masquerading as real intimacy. A simulation, among people too psychologically broken to handle the risk (and rewards) of the real thing. How terribly sad.

phatsphere said...

well, just 1-on-1 seems a bit small, ever heared of ?

Fart said...

These guys are yet to discover this

Bene said...

I recreationally massage people - sometimes this provides me with a place to stay, or food, and sometimes it leads to sex. It all depends on the people, the situation, and all that. I can fully see cuddling as a similar thing, especially coming from the rave scene where there are full on "cuddle puddles". Longer term, established cuddle relationships are exactly that - relationships. You're bound to have some form of emotional attachment, unless you're an automaton.

Angie said...

I do love attention anonymous. How did you know? :)

Anonymous said...

Read, the secion titled "On Cuddle B-tches"...

Anonymous said...

Please. This has become a porn blog now. I didn't feel so bad reading the blog post - but reading the comments. Gosh!

Anonymous said...

Well, I don't think I will cuddle with a stranger, but if the other party is an acquaintance and needs comforting, I will oblige to do so. But if she offers to proceed further, I have to agree that it would be rude to refuse.:-)

Anonymous said...

Arrgh. It's just another way to emasculate men and take advantage of "nice guys." Those guys who get suckered in should just say "NO." These women want to have their cake and eat it too! Cuddle with some wimpy "nice guy," then go fuck a better prospect.

I do enjoy cuddling and don't always need sex. Yet to set up a relationship with such ridiculous conditions requires a certain amount of groveling to women. It's humiliating.

Anonymous said...

This is just another fine example how bay area nice guys get abused. Girls, grow up, be a real woman and find your real man, and stop the high school pranks. And guys, GROW UP, be a real man and have some dignity. No real woman appreciates cuddle buddies!

Anonymous said...

How do they handle the guy's.. uuur.. natural body reaction? Do they just ignore it?

If the guy has no reaction at all, then he must be gay.

Pleenky said...

I would totally do that, but not for months on end. Maybe one night once every couple months or so. Wait a minute, I do that almost every night with my wife. It's occasionally interrupted by sex, but very occasionally.

Anonymous said...

"Those guys are fags" --Jeff Spicoli

Fierce said...

hater gayters are stuck in the closet of denial