Sunday, April 15, 2007

the only trump card

On Wednesday, I'm picking up my mother from San Francisco Airport. She's been in Beijing for the past four months, and will be staying with me for a week.

I fear that after leaving the bustle of our relatives in Beijing, my mother's entire focus will be on me. How many of these conversations did we have last summer, driving down the freeway:

Me: My friend Jim just quit his corporate job to create a startup, and --

Mom: [interrupting] Does Jim have a girlfriend?

Me: [irritated] That's not the point.

Mom: Why don't you date Jim? You should start thinking about marriage, you know!

Me: I don't want to date Jim.

Mom: Why not?

Me: [trying to quiet her as fast as possible] I'm not attracted to him.

Mom: That's okay! Don't focus on looks. After you look at the same face every day, you'll get used to it.

Me: He doesn't make me laugh. I like guys who are funny.

Mom: That's okay! After a few years of marriage, you would get tired of the other person's jokes anyway.

Me: He might be gay.

Mom: That's okay! ...

After a lot of trial-and-error, I finally stumbled on the single reason that will immediately and unequivocably stop her. From now on, conversations will go like this:

Me: My friend Bob says San Francisco condos prices should fall in the next six months.

Mom: Hey, why don't you date --

Me: He never wants kids.

Mom: Forget it.


Anonymous said...

Yes, that's really nice. Amy Tan would love to hear that story.

As for me, G-Calender still messes up when sending responses back to Outlook. Way to go all you smart people!

Apple & Egg said...

You reach the age that your mom think it is too late to get married.

sunxcint said...


lepidocampa said...

Mom: Well, you could always try...

Me: I had my womb replaced with something resembling a TiVo. They even installed this nifty extra port beside my navel for recharging small devices! Here, let me show you--where's your cellphone? Mom?

Mom: I uh, I... I...

Anonymous said...

I wanna hear the "that's okay..." follow-up for "he might be gay". "That's okay, you can convert him"? "That's okay, after a few years of marriage you wouldn't want sex anyway"? "That's okay, at least you know he wouldn't be cheating on you with other girls"?

Or maybe, "That's okay, your father's gay too"?

Anonymous said...

"He might be gay. . "

"Oh, daughter, that's ok, just tell him to close his eyes and stick it in. Pussies and assholes all feel the same!"

heh heh

Adam said...

Ah, fun. My sis and I both get this pressure from our parents, too. After a while, we would just say "That's enough. ENOUGH!" and they stopped. Well, sort of. Then it was more like my Mom complaining to me "I'm worried about your sister... she's not even dating!" or Mom complaining to my sis "I'm worried about your brother. I think he's too busy at work to meet a nice girl, settle down..."

Thankfully, my sis and I are loyal to each other and still tell our parents "Cut out it out. ENOUGH!"

Of course, if we really wanted to be mean, we'd just say, you know, I met the perfect girl and we thought about settling down and having kids, but then thought... oh my God, what if we ended up like our parents, and started berating OUR children to hook up ASAP? We'd never forgive ourselves! So we decided to stay single.

Sigmund the sea monster said...

Technically we can do everything... So effortlessly..
Anybody who has the desire can manipulate code and do it well.

The more interesting challenge is manipulation of people.

Make them see our point of view.

Some of the most brilliant engineers that I have ever met
have never developed the ability to sway people their direction
to appreciate any of their ideas.

Parents are one of the most enjoyable challenges.
Close to our heart.

I hope that the banter that you write is fun and lively
not frustrating as it may sound.

Anonymous said...

That was funny. You are almost as funny as Ernie when he used to write a lot on .

Dan said...

You catch the point, ah!

Dave said...

here are some others for variation:

he/she was engaged before
he/she used to be married
he/she has a kid
he/she is currently unemployed
he/she's parents are divorced

alang said...

He doesn't make me laugh. I like guys who are funny

Apple & Egg said...

I would suggest Google to close office in China. People in Google are fool and joking. what they did harm Google's brand.

TheChangingMap said...

haha tht was very funny
Iam an Indian guy and tht happens to me!!! how sad is that! hehe

Min Liu said...

interestingness and funniness: ++.

thanks for the anecdote. i forwarded it to my mom :)

- Min, fellow Googler, also know your bro from college.

HY said...

"Me: He never wants kids.

Mom: Forget it.

Lol.. good comeback :)