many valid paths

With the Kamala Harris announcement, people are celebrating "first Black VP", "first Indian VP" etc. 

Let's also note Kamala was unmarried until age 49. When she got married in 2014, she became stepmom to two kids.

Society pressures women to marry and have kids. The stereotype of a woman who is single and childless at 45 or 50 is "sad" or "unfulfilled" or that she must feel like something is missing in her life. I think Kamala serves as a counterexample of someone who was living a perfectly great, childless, husbandless life.

I'm reading a book about how the immense pressure on women to get married and have children (and the judgment toward women who don't) is part of the backlash against feminism.

Today is my mom's birthday!

My mom turned 71 today.

I told her she is lucky to have her birthday on Juneteenth, because it is a special day of celebration. Also it will probably be a federal holiday soon. 

My brother got a bakery to deliver the cake. 

powerful video using Monopoly as metaphor

This video taught me a lot:



It reminded me of this Gloria Steinem quote:

it’s also true that in any situation of unequal power, it’s threatening for the more powerful to feel criticized. Think about it: It’s okay for women to ‘sing the blues,’ but not okay to equalize reasons for blues-singing. It’s okay to talk about the feminization of poverty, but not okay to talk about about the masculinization of wealth. It’s okay to talk about poor black people, but not so okay to talk about white racism and rich white people—and so on.

Also we’re so accustomed to hierarchy that it’s hard to imagine equality. I think some men imagine reversal—women are going to do to them what they’ve have done to women—but that’s just guilt talking. Probably our first job is to imagine equality. After all, hope is a form of planning!

New Favorite-programming-language Energy

I have been learning GoLang and I like it! 

It's concise. It has built-in support for slices, pointers, concurrency, channels. It doesn't have strange indentation rules like python. 

Me: [to Aff] "So what are the reasons you like Go more than Java?"

Aff: [bursts out laughing] "Why don't you ask me the reasons I like ice cream more than being kicked in the nuts?"

Me: "Come on, Java is not that bad."

...

Ice cream is a bit extreme as an analogy. I like ice cream much more than Go. But Go is pretty good.

that New Favorite-Book Energy

During video chat:

Me: "I just read the book Fifth Season. I love it!"

Nehsters: "Oh, I read that. It's pretty ... dystopian. A little depressing."

Me: "We're in a pandemic. It's now a how-to guide."

Fifth Season

I just finished reading the sci-fi book "Fifth Season".

It is so good. I can't imagine how anyone could dislike it. 

Every book in this trilogy won a Hugo Award. I am glad there are two more books to look forward to. Poor future-me who has read all of them and can no longer look forward to them. 

Finished playing Uncharted 4

I like the lush landscapes and adventure story of Uncharted 4. 

It seems like the game's demographic aged during the four Uncharted games. The main character was made to look older in game 4, with more wrinkles and maturity. 

I just finished playing and miss the game slightly. 

Thankfully, there's one more expansion pack, starring two of the best female characters. 

A sweet story

This is a sweet story: Link.

I thought about all the friends’ weddings I missed because I couldn’t travel outside the country and how much I regretted not being there for the people I loved. I couldn’t do it again. If Fernando eventually came to love me, he would need to understand or at least accept my need to hide the more difficult points of my life’s timeline.

“OK,” he said, “I’m on it. Tell me what to do.”

Conspiracy theories are self-preserving

I have a hard time responding when friends send me conspiracy theories. 

The conspiracy theories usually have a built-in mechanism for deflecting all criticism.

Friend: "5G is causing covid-19!"

Me: "This has been debunked by reputable scientific organizations X, Y, and Z."

Friend: "Those organizations are all part of the conspiracy!"

Any scientific studies or debunking just get ignored as "part of the conspiracy", so there is no way to disprove them. It is quite frustrating.

asymmetry in taking care of family

In Western society, there is intense pressure to be an amazing parent to your kids, but it's acceptable to neglect your parents in their old age.

A parent who sends their kid to an orphanage is condemned. But if the same person puts their parent into a not-very-good retirement home and only visits them once per year, that wouldn't get a second glance. They'd get sympathy from their friends, "It must have been hard to put your mom/dad into the retirement home and not know if they're being mistreated."

The asymmetry is interesting.

Difficulty of what to say

I have been taking care of my mom for nearly a year now. I am often sad about it. It is lonely, and I get insecure. 

I talked yesterday to a new friend T, who does some caretaking of her own:

Me: "If I tell people how it really is, I feel like a Debby Downer. I don't want to complain to them a bunch every time I talk to them. Sending a holiday card was hard."

T: "Yeah, my grandma used to send a holiday letter every year saying 'Merry Christmas. Here's all the bad things that happened to me this year. I broke my hip. This problem. That problem. Anyway, happy holidays!'"

Me: "Yes, that is my fear. I don't want to be depressing every time I talk to people. But then if I focus on the positive, I don't feel understood. That is not real."

-----

Some people have surprised me by how they are able to understand and empathize. Others keep making an effort, even though they don't know what to say. I really appreciate both those sets of people. 

to remain well

Last month, I went to a retreat called "Yoga and Meditation in a Troubled World". We talked about presidential lies, climate change, feeling helpless and hopeless.

This was my favorite quote from the instructor:

"Self care is like self preservation, and self preservation can be an act of political warfare. To thrive, to remain well in systems of violence and oppression, is how we begin to dismantle systems of violence and oppression.”      -- Audre Lorde, activist

Audre Lorde

She means "self-care" in the sense of being at peace with yourself, not the meaning co-opted by the beauty industry to sell lotions and massages for $$$.

Previously I felt guilty if I felt at peace while horrible things were happening in the world. It was an epiphany to hear that it is actually useful.

Group yoga at the retreat

\

linked

I've been reading books by Gloria Steinem. It is energizing!

I'm glad she is living a long life, and has written many books. I hope she writes many more.

Some things she has said, which I like:

Because I’ve had the luck of having friends from Indian Country here—and also visiting a few old cultures in India and Africa—I’ve had a glimpse of a time in which people were linked, not ranked. Those words are a good mantra: We are linked, not ranked.  

If we just stop looking up at leaders, and begin to look at each other, we find our power. [Can I still look up to her though?] 

Without self-esteem, the only change is an exchange of masters; with it, there is no need for masters.

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes

In "Revolution from Within", she talks about how interracial marriage was a crime punished by prison time, until the 1960s. She points out:

Among the many victims of such antimiscegenation laws were Asian men brought to this country by the thousands in the nineteenth and first half of the twentieth century as workers -- forbidden to bring wives from their own countries, and also forbidden to marry non-Asians here -- some of whom are still living.

Days

I have been taking care of my mom.

There are some days that are tough, and we both get impatient.

There are also really happy days. This photo was from a happy day: her birthday. 

15-month countdown

This presidency has destroyed my idealism. I used to feel joy frequently, and optimism. That's gone now.

It is not just the president's actions, though those are bad enough. It's disillusioning to see all the Republicans who support him, and the others who shake their head but then go right back to their daily lives.

On several occasions, male acquaintances said to me, "It really isn't that bad. I feared the worst after the 2016 election, but nothing too bad has happened."

I said, "Nothing bad has happened to you. Immigrants are being deported. Gay people are afraid that gay marriage will be revoked. Visas are much harder to get. Our climate is being destroyed. You haven't suffered consequences because you are not a woman, or a minority."

...

Is it all going to feel better after the 2020 election? Do I just need to hold out for another year, and this daily weight of dread and sadness will lift?

I worry that there is an innocence that is permanently gone. 

We need Buffy the ICE Slayer

Me: I learned that ICE often uses warrants that will allow them to deport someone, but doesn't allow them to enter a home or private space to make the arrest. So one of the top advice is to NOT open the door for ICE.

Aff: ICE doesn't have the right to enter if they're not invited?

Me: Correct. They are literally like vampires.

Aff: So, as long as you don't invite them in, they cannot cross the threshold.

Me: Take any vampire movie, and replace the vampires with ICE. The movie will still make sense.

good job, minnesota

I was touched by this support for Rep Ilhan Omar.

It is a gesture of allyship. Most protests are minority groups forced to advocate for themselves, such as the Women's March. There are allies present, but it's primarily the oppressed party forced to put themselves on the line.

This one is all allies. And it has a positive message. It's really nice.

I'm impressed that Ilhan Omar and AOC are not frightened. I have been frightened of the systemic injustice. I am inspired by watching them. Their courage is contagious.

Welcome Home, Ilhan Omar. pic.twitter.com/mAoVJ7Nk4A

— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) July 19, 2019

B-day time zone

Me: "Where should we go to dinner?"

Aff: "You should pick because it's your birthday."

Mom: "Oh, that's right! Happy birthday!"

Me: "Wow. My own mom forgot my birthday." 

Mom: "I wished you happy birthday yesterday."

Me: "But you forgot today, on the actual day."

Mom: "You were born in China. Your birthday was yesterday in China."

1 million of them would be bots

I have been reading a celebrity Twitter feed, which is very witty.

Me to Aff: "Do you wish I had 3 million Twitter followers?"

Aff: "No. Then you would be spending all your time trying to get to 4 million followers, and making me take photos."

Me: "You are smart."

...

Aff does not have any social media accounts. It is really great. 

Dollop

Yesterday, I was cooking a cornbread pork pie. Aff helped me put cornbread on the pork filling.

Me: "Just put dollops of cornbread over the whole top of the casserole."

Aff: [putting on dollops]

Me: "Great! Keep putting dollops. You're doing great. You're such a good dolloper!"

Me: [in Ballmer voice] "Dollopers dollopers dollopers dollopers."