In life, there are some things where no matter how hard you try, it may or may not work out the way you want. I went through this once before, when I was 24. My mom was very ill, and I thought for many months that I was going to lose her. She went into the ER a couple weeks before Google's IPO. People sometimes ask with a touch of envy what it was like to be at Google pre-IPO and during the IPO. The answer is that I don't really remember the atmosphere during that period, because it was so overshadowed by my fervent wish that my mom could recover. Things felt very bleak at the time.
I made a vow back then. I vowed that if she recovered, I would be completely grateful. It felt like a stretch to even ask for that in my mind. It felt like I was overreaching. It was hard to see a way through the darkness.
But she recovered, pretty much fully. 96%. Some doctor threw out that number, and it's what I've been using. That's more than good enough. For a year after the whole ordeal, I was grateful all the time. I was probably really pleasant to be around, because I was continually happy. After a year, the gratitude gradually started to fade. I wrote myself emails to be delivered on a future date using a special service, reminding myself to be grateful. I just received one of the emails a few months ago.
Today I am sitting in my childhood bedroom in my parents' home in Las Vegas. They have lived in the same house for 22 years. My mom cooked me dumplings last night, and noodles.
I have forgotten how to be grateful. I tried. I kept a gratitude journal last year where I wrote down 3 things daily that I was grateful for. I made dozens of entries. It felt forced.
It's different to logically think up something to be grateful for and write it down, vs feel it intuitively deep into your bones, 24-7. I think sometimes life threatens to take things away, so that you appreciate what you have.
6 comments:
The best way to be grateful is to be happy. Show him your real happiness. Do not just try, just put in all your effort to be happy and God will be happy to see your smile.
You can keep bashing and insulting Asian men.
What a beautiful blog post. The very fact that you felt so strongly that you were not being grateful enough shows that you ARE grateful hence, no need to feel guilty! Keep smilin' and loving - that's all!
It is good to read this.
Love
I am quite glad your mother is alive and doing well, and that you appreciate her. I vaguely recall the post mentioning that someone close to you was ill, but I never would have guessed that it was one of your parents. In your descriptions of them, they both seem like very determined people, perhaps not the easiest to reason with when their mind is made up about something. Then again, every child probably feels this way to some extent. In any event, good on you--glad it has helped your perspective.
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