name that price

Talking recently to a longtime friend "Hanh".

Hanh: "I was asked to give a talk, and I need to tell them a speaker fee."

Me: "Ask for a good price! Don't undersell yourself. You're a world expert in your field."

Hanh: "The market rate is X, but I'm going to say one third of X."

Me: "Why?! Why not ask for market rate?"

Hanh: "I feel bad asking to make X dollars for a few hours of work. The price per hour seems absurd."

Me: "But that's the market rate! You know that white dudes less qualified than you will ask for double of X."

Hanh: "Yes, I know they do. And I've been working in this specific field for 10 years, to build up all the expertise I have now. But I still can't bring myself to ask for X."

Me: "Okay, the Olympics are happening now. You know how some Olympic athletes get an award of $500,000 from their government, if they win a gold medal?"

Hanh: "Yeah."

Me: "Some Olympic events are really short. The pole vault is like 30 seconds. So if an athlete does a pole vault and wins a gold medal, that doesn't mean their wage is now $1 million dollars per minute. It means they trained for their whole lives, and it culminates in this one moment."

Hanh: "Oh hm. That's true."

Me: "Hanh, this is your pole vault." 

Still life with fruits

Looking at a painting in a museum.

Aff: "What if there were a terrible accident and all the food tumbled down and was smashed on the floor? The dog would have to eat it all."

Me: "Yeah."

Aff: "That's what the dog is thinking."

A moveable feast

We visited my mom's friend L. My mom and L have known each other for more than 40 years. 

L cooked a feast! 

I said I would skip the garlic sauce to put on the soba. L said, "Without the garlic sauce, the soba will need to have several points deducted." I ate the garlic sauce. 

It is nice to see people who knew my mom in her youth.

a feeling of safety

Talking to my mom's friend L (two days ago) gave me a feeling of community. 

L talked about being coworkers with my mom in their 20s. She said my mom had such strong morals. She told stories of how my mom continually went out of her way to help others. It was amazing to hear about my mom's youth, before she went through decades of tough times.

L has been talking to my mom over WeChat in recent months. She said my mom feels 100% reassured (放心) about Aff being in my life, because he has such a good heart and is thoughtful toward me every day. 

After talking to L, I thought about how the shadow of this family illness has hung over me for the past two decades. I lived under a sword that could fall at any moment. Combined with America's ruthless medical system and insurance companies, it always felt that the next phone call could bring catastrophe.

But the family illness is under control via medication, and perhaps the situation is finally safe? I am afraid to think this, because in a movie, when a character says that, they are going to face a horrible fate in the next scene. 

I'll put a picture of knocking on wood.

meeting my mom's friend soon

I spent 3.5 hours talking on the phone to one of my mom's longtime friends L.

L knew my mom when they were both in their 20s and 30s. L said my mom was so kind and went out of her way to help L when L had a medical emergency.

L has only seen my mom in-person once in the past two decades, but she's still very fond of my mom. 

My mom has excellent taste in friends! Talking to L makes me feel calmer, and also optimistic about the integrity and goodness of people.

As an immigrant, it's a rare treat for me to meet one of my mom's friends from her youth and to get along well with that friend. Perhaps for people who are not immigrants, they get to see dozens of their parents' friends. But it is special for me.

My mom and I will see L next month. I'm so excited! 

a frabjous day

 I am very happy so far today! [knock on wood]

Yesterday, my brother took my mom to an opthamologist and got improved eye drops for her. It is great to have such a competent and responsible brother. 

Also yesterday, the co-pay for one of my prescriptions shot up from $55 to $200, due to esoteric insurance rules. But Aff found a savings card online that brought the cost down to $78. He went to the pharmacy and picked up the prescription for me.

I have a lot of dread about doctors, pharmacies, and insurance, due to previous experiences. It is really nice of my loved ones to be so helpful! 

Uncharted and unpatched

During the quarantine, I played the Uncharted series. Aff liked to watch and give suggestions. 

In the game, adventurer Nathan Drake finally found the temple with the treasure. 

Drake: "All that matters is who gets to Avery's treasure first." 

Evil game character: "You do realize your phone is equipped with GPS?" 

Drake: "You hacked our phones.... Goons with guns are on their way here now?" 

Me: "What? How did his phone get hacked? That wasn't explained at all!" 

Aff: "Android. KitKat. The vendor didn't ship updates."

"Strangers Drowning"

I started reading more books during the pandemic. It is enjoyable to discuss the ideas with friends.

Recently I listened to an audiobook "Strangers Drowning". It is about people who feel compelled to help strangers.

One couple adopted 2 kids out of foster care and from overseas orphanages, then 2 more, then 6 siblings that no other family would take. Eventually they had 22 kids.

An Indian guy was born into a high caste and was bothered by the caste system. He moved his family to a leper colony, and spent decades helping the leper colony turn into a thriving town. By doing so, he exposed his children to leprosy. They fortunately did not catch it.

The book title is based on the idea that if you saw someone drowning in front of you, you would surely try to save them. Yet if you hear that people are drowning far away in another land, you'd likely feel low compulsion to save them. Is this unfair?

In one story, a Japanese guy spent 7 years giving emotional support for free to hikikomori (shut-in / recluse) strangers. Many of the strangers wanted to die, and he spent hours listening and supporting them. Then he had heart surgery and told the hikikomoris that he would be unavailable while he was recuperating in the hospital.

When he got out, he was shocked that most of the recluses (people he had helped for years) were angry at him. They didn't care that he had surgery, and they were mad that he wasn't available to help them with their pain. This story made me sad, because it is too believable. Then the Japanese guy decided he would only help people who came first to meet him in-person. But he kept helping! It is impressive.

Happy City

I read a book that I really like! 

The book explains how city layouts make a big impact on our happiness. If you can walk from home within 5 minutes to a grocery store, a restaurant, and a park, you will get to know your neighbors naturally. You'll see each other at the park. Trust will build over time.

If you must drive to all stores and to work, you won't ever know your neighbors. You'll feel isolated and bored.

Many older cities were built before cars existed. They have public plazas because they were designed for citizens who primarily walk or bicycle.

This explains why I felt so calm visiting Copenhagen, which has focused its city center on walking and biking in the past 20 years. I also was happy in Puerto Nuriño, a 6000-person town in Colombia that does not allow cars anywhere in town. Visiting Santiago, Chile and taking daily bike tours was peaceful too.  The city is safe for cyclists.

When I look back at my childhood, I felt happiest living in a town of 60,000 people where I could walk and bike to stores and parks. I felt independent as a 10-year-old. As a teenager, we moved to a million-population city where I had to rely on car rides, and it was more isolating.

I hope to read this book again in 5 years, to keep it in my memory!

sea bug, not C bug

Me: The Chinese word for "lobster" is "dragon shrimp".

Aff: Oh. Not "sea bug"?

But where are you REALLY from?

Last year, I got into an argument with an acquaintance L. We were at a bus stop, and he started chatting with a group of young people next to us.

L: Are you visiting, or do you live around here?

Youths: [various chatter]

L: [to one of the young women, who looks Asian] So where are you from?

Woman: New York.

L: Okay, but where are you really from?

Woman: What are you saying? I don't seem like I could be a New Yorker?

L: Where were you born?

Woman: New York.

L: Where are your parents from?

Woman: China.

L: Ohhhh, okay. [turning to me] Hey Niniane, you're also Chinese. You two have that in common.

Me: L, why couldn't you just accept that she's from New York? Why did you have to keep grilling her? 

...

The woman and other youths caught their bus. L and I argued for another 20 minutes. He was mad that I "ruined" his pleasant conversation with this woman. I was offended that he kept saying she's not really a New Yorker. 

Afterwards, I felt some self-doubt. Maybe it's that not bad of a question. It is a microaggression, but on the grand scale of things, is it so bad?

This week, I mentioned to a friend that although I've lived in the States since I was 5, I didn't think until my mid-30s that it would be accepted if I called myself "an American". I would call myself "Chinese American" or "a Chinese person who grew up in America".

My friend asked why. When I thought about it, I realized it's due to this question. If I say "I'm an American", the reply will be "But where are you really from? Before America?" It happened to me dozens of times, and I learned to just skip the middle steps and jump to what they want to know.

But the result is that I've had trouble feeling accepted as an American, even though all my childhood memories are from America and I've been a US citizen since I was 18 (my entire adult life). 

So, that little question really did have an impact, more than I realized. 

There's no real need to ask this question. I don't see white Americans asking each other, "Where are you really from? Where did your ancestors immigrate from? Ireland? Germany? Italy? How many generations ago?" 

biting

Me: "Hunter Biden must feel a lot of survivor guilt. Beau Biden did so many selfless things and died, and meanwhile Hunter kept getting addicted to drugs."

Aff: "Think how Major Biden must feel. He can't stop biting people. I know people say he's a good boy and he's just stressed out, but come on!"

surprise from the UK

Messaging with a UK friend:

Me: What is the mood now in the UK?

Friend: Brexit really is a big mess. Scotland now wants independence, and part of that is to rejoin the EU.

Me: From my distant viewpoint, Scotland's prime minister seems more sensible than Boris Johnson. I was surprised that Boris Johnson got elected.

Friend: Yes, he's a fool. He's also technically American, was born in New York.

Me: I didn't know! That's shocking.

Friend: So he could still become your president one day 😬

Me: Yikes!

beans and kings

Me: "There's a chinese story of a king who was envious of his brother. He ordered that his brother be brought to him. Then the king said, "I heard you've been boasting about your poetry ability. You must walk seven steps at a normal pace in front of me right now. You need to come up with a poem and recite it on the seventh step. If the poem isn't good, then I'll have you executed."

Aff: "Is that the punishment for boasting?"

Me: "Apparently."

Aff: "Let's hear the poem."

Me: 

煮豆燃豆萁	Boiling beans by burning the beanstalk
豆在釜中泣	The bean is crying in the pot
本是同根生	We were birthed by the same root
相煎何太急?	Why the rush to burn each other?

Aff: "Wow, it rhymes. So is the king supposed to be like the bean?"

Me: "No, the king is the beanstalk. He's hurting his brother, like how the beanstalk is burned to cook the bean."

Aff: "Ok."

Me: "When the king heard this beautiful poem, he wept."

Aff: "He wept like a bean?"

Me: [lol]

Aff: "Plot twist: they were both beans."

Me: 

😂

yummers (Parts Unknown)

Aff, my mom, and I started watching "Parts Unknown" starring Anthony Bourdain. We watch one episode per evening, after dinner.

So far, we've watched five episodes. My mom liked Quebec the most. 

Aff likes Tangier, Morocco. He says the chicken stuffed with olives and spices looks amazing. 

I also liked the Quebec episode. So many desserts! So much foie gras. 

Watching "Parts Unknown" together has cheered up all of us!

Sad about ICE's latest evildoing

 I am very upset and sad about this news:

‘Like an Experimental Concentration Camp’: Whistleblower Complaint Alleges Mass Hysterectomies at ICE Detention Center

Multiple women came forward to tell Project South about what they perceived to be the inordinate rate at which women in ICDC were subjected to hysterectomies – a surgical operation in which all or part of the uterus is removed. Additionally, many of the immigrant women who underwent the procedure were reportedly “confused” when asked to explain why they had the surgery, with one detainee likening their treatment to prisoners in concentration camps.

The complaint details several accounts from detainees, including one woman who was not properly anesthetized during the procedure and heard the aforementioned doctor tell the nurse he had mistakenly removed the wrong ovary, resulting in her losing all reproductive ability. Another said she was scheduled for the procedure but when she questioned why it was necessary, she was given at least three completely different answers.

“She was originally told by the doctor that she had an ovarian cyst and was going to have a small twenty-minute procedure done drilling three small holes in her stomach to drain the cyst,” according to the complaint. “The officer who was transporting her to the hospital told her that she was receiving a hysterectomy to have her womb removed. When the hospital refused to operate on her because her COVID-19 test came back positive for antibodies, she was transferred back to ICDC where the ICDC nurse said that the procedure she was going to have done entailed dilating her vagina and scraping tissue off. “

Another nurse then told her the procedure was to mitigate her heavy menstrual bleeding, which the woman had never experienced. When she explained that, the nurse “responded by getting angry and agitated and began yelling at her.”

many valid paths

With the Kamala Harris announcement, people are celebrating "first Black VP", "first Indian VP" etc. 

Let's also note Kamala was unmarried until age 49. When she got married in 2014, she became stepmom to two kids.

Society pressures women to marry and have kids. The stereotype of a woman who is single and childless at 45 or 50 is "sad" or "unfulfilled" or that she must feel like something is missing in her life. I think Kamala serves as a counterexample of someone who was living a perfectly great, childless, husbandless life.

I'm reading a book about how the immense pressure on women to get married and have children (and the judgment toward women who don't) is part of the backlash against feminism.

Today is my mom's birthday!

My mom turned 71 today.

I told her she is lucky to have her birthday on Juneteenth, because it is a special day of celebration. Also it will probably be a federal holiday soon. 

My brother got a bakery to deliver the cake. 

powerful video using Monopoly as metaphor

This video taught me a lot:



It reminded me of this Gloria Steinem quote:

it’s also true that in any situation of unequal power, it’s threatening for the more powerful to feel criticized. Think about it: It’s okay for women to ‘sing the blues,’ but not okay to equalize reasons for blues-singing. It’s okay to talk about the feminization of poverty, but not okay to talk about about the masculinization of wealth. It’s okay to talk about poor black people, but not so okay to talk about white racism and rich white people—and so on.

Also we’re so accustomed to hierarchy that it’s hard to imagine equality. I think some men imagine reversal—women are going to do to them what they’ve have done to women—but that’s just guilt talking. Probably our first job is to imagine equality. After all, hope is a form of planning!

New Favorite-programming-language Energy

I have been learning GoLang and I like it! 

It's concise. It has built-in support for slices, pointers, concurrency, channels. It doesn't have strange indentation rules like python. 

Me: [to Aff] "So what are the reasons you like Go more than Java?"

Aff: [bursts out laughing] "Why don't you ask me the reasons I like ice cream more than being kicked in the nuts?"

Me: "Come on, Java is not that bad."

...

Ice cream is a bit extreme as an analogy. I like ice cream much more than Go. But Go is pretty good.