parenthood and acceptance

CM sent me this talk, which is moving:

I thought it was surprising how all of these families had all of these children with all of these problems, problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid, and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting. And then I thought, all of us who have children love the children we have, with their flaws. If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living room ceiling and offered to take away the children I have and give me other, better children -- more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter -- I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.

Last year, my mother told me that when I was 10 years old, she and my father worried that they would need to return to China after my father got his PhD. They worried about my future in China. They had both undergone a great deal in their own youth, and they wanted me to have a good life.

A wealthy family in Connecticut offered to adopt me. Their own daughter had just gone off to college, and they were having empty nest syndrome. My mother told me about it, and my 10-year-old self refused. I thought (and still think) it was ludicrous.

The strange thing is that even now, my mother seems regretful that she did not go through with it. "You would've had so many comforts," she says to me. "When their daughter went to college, they bought so many expensive sweaters for her."

I find this very puzzling.

There was a story I read about one of the Asian Nobel Prize winners. He came from a village, born to farmer parents. He was talented as a child, and his parents sent him to Hong Kong to get properly educated. A few years later, there was a drought back in the village, and his parents literally died of hunger.

After he won the Nobel Prize, a reporter said to him, "You must be very grateful that your parents sent you abroad to study."

"No," he said. "I wish they had not. Having a son to do labor is important on a farm. If my parents hadn't sent me away, I might be illiterate right now, but I might still have parents."

Always let them see the fear in your eyes

There's a leadership philosophy which emphasizes not revealing your fears.  "Never let on that you have fears.  If your team sees that the leader is worried, it will make them discouraged and even more scared themselves."

I used to believe in this, when I was just starting out at Microsoft.  My first manager subscribed to this theory and would tell me, "No matter how you worry on the inside, never let it show to your team."  He lived this philosophy, and never told me about any worries, even as that specific project started faltering.



Many years later, my management coach at Google countered this theory.  "The most effective leader is one who is straightforward, and comfortable in their own skin," said Brian, the management coach.  "Think about Bill Clinton.  Effective leaders let you know when they're nervous.  They do it in a calm way."

I've subscribed to Brian's approach for 6 or 7 years now, and I find it effective.  If the team knows that the leader is nervous about X, they'll focus on that rather than being distracted by Y.  Seeing the leader's vulnerability makes the team feel a stronger connection.  It's also a relief for the leader to be honest rather than trying to bottle up all of the worries.

There are a few keys:

1. Spend most of the time describing potential solutions, not dwelling on the problem.

e.g. "I want to reduce the likelihood of Bob getting defensive at tomorrow's meeting.  I sent out an agenda beforehand so he can be mentally prepared.  I invited Joe who is a calming presence.  I also will limit the time we spend on controversial topics.  But I'm still worried that all of these are not enough."

Don't spend all your time catastrophizing: "I'm worried that Bob will get defensive at tomorrow's meeting. If he does, it might set the tone and influence Phyllis and Janet.  If all three are opposed to the contract I proposed, it could kill the deal.  If we don't get this deal, we'll fall short of our revenue targets."

2. State the situation in a calm tone of voice.

3. Make it clear that you welcome help, but that you are not relying on the help, and that you will be resourceful in the situation regardless.

Say "This is my plan, but I'm not 100% confident it will succeed, and I welcome suggestions."  rather than "What are we going to do?!  This is horrible!"

...

I met a startup CEO a few years ago.  The startup started going through tumultuous times, and the CEO never revealed any worry.  He broadcasted an aura of great confidence.  However, everyone else in the company was already highly worried because they could log into Google Analytics and see that there were major issues with traffic levels, user acquisition, and revenue.  The CEO acting stoic just made people feel out of touch with him, and less able to brainstorm together.

There's always a roller coaster in every startup, no matter how successful it is.  It's better to come across as a courageous human than a stoic robot.

Pianos and art

There are many pianos in Moscow, in unexpected places.  Today we went to Gorky Park.  There were half a dozen pianos used as flowerpots.

There are also ping pong tables in the parks.  How are they not ruined by rain?

We went into a random underground walkway in order to cross the street, and it was filled with beautiful art for sale!  

I like the brush strokes in these paintings.  The middle one is a crucifix theme but doesn't seem emo like most paintings of the crucifixion.

This sculpture is subdued, with subtle emotions.  It is a nice alternative to all the Rodin sculptures I've been seeing, of nude sculptures writhing in agony as they combat serpents or each other.

Breakfast and Kremlin

Yesterday was my first day of the Moscow trip.

There was a parade in Red Square, so we ate breakfast at a nearby cafe.  I'm guessing it was an Americanized cafe, because there was pizza on the menu and no borscht.

Service was slow.  It took 20 minutes before any food was brought to the table.  My food arrived 15 minutes before my dad's pizza, so I finished eating before his food arrived.

Why are Russian restaurants so slow?

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

The Kremlin is surrounded by a tall wall.  Walking around it looking for an entrance felt like the Mongolians trying to circle around the Great Wall.

Walt Disney Family Museum

Walt Disney was a badass.  He starts a company at age 20 making cartoon commercials.  It goes bankrupt.  He starts another company doing animated short films.  After 8 years, he creates a popular rabbit character Oswald.

His Hollywood boss cheats him out of the intellectual rights for the rabbit.  Walt loses the profits and rights.

This happens in New York, and Walt faces a two-day train ride coming back to California.  Just before getting on the train, he telegrams to his brother (and business partner) "Don't worry".  Then he boards the train.

During the train ride, he comes up with the idea for Mickey Mouse.

Walt Disney is such a baller!

I went to the Walt Disney Family Museum in the Presidio.  The exhibit showing Walt Disney's many animated films.

Walt Disney wanted an artist Herb to race all weekend and finish a sketch for the proposed Disneyland.  Herb didn't think there was enough time.  The story is that Walt looked at Herb with brimming eyes and said, "Herbie, will you do it if I stay here with you?"

Then Herb said, "Sure, if you stay here all night tonight and all night Sunday night and help me, I'll stay here and see what I can do."

The internet says Walt Disney was a slavedriver who worked his animators to the bone for little wages, which is what led them to go on strike in the 40s.  So why was he so nice to Herb?  

A telegram after his passing.  "At least he left an inspired legion of talent, taste, and imagination to guide the greatest show on Earth.  Our hearts are at half mast."

Another interesting point from the museum is that Walt Disney at age 21 lamented that he joined the animation industry "six years too late".  He felt like all the interesting work had been done, and he had missed the boat.

the Wang family secret of raising a kid

Recently I was talking to a friend Az, who is debating whether to ever have kids.  He likes the idea of having kids, but doesn't want to give up his freedom for 18 years.

American society places such high pressure on parents to spend face-time and money on their kid!  To wit:

• the parent and the child must spend many hours per day together, or else the parent feels guilty
• it is essential to get the child into the most hyped preschool and then private school and prep school
• must buy expensive brain-enhancing toys and games 
• must minimize usage of babysitters and nannies

Using these metrics, my parents scored 0 out of 4.  They were very busy being immigrants and working multiple jobs simultaneously.  My mom had a sandwich-making job by day and janitor job by night.  I was a latchkey kid.  I went to an average public school in a state ranked #49 out of 50 US states for education.  I was often foisted onto cheap babysitters.  Yet I turned out fine, by most parental standards.  I graduated Caltech at 18 and have led some cool engineering work projects at Minted and Google and am a cheerful person.  How'd that happen?

Because... those American expectations are not the most important!  My parents did these other things:

• taught my brother and me to read when we turned two
• taught us multiplication and division at age five, algebra at age seven, calculus at age ten
• as a result, we felt competent and enjoyed learning
• we became self-motivated and my parents never had to nag us.  We made our own decisions regarding education, which made us self-reliant

Some people hear this and reply, "You can't teach every kid to read at age two!"  I disagree.  I think people just give up too early.  I watched my mom teach my brother.  On the first day, she spent two hours teaching him to read two chinese words.  She did it patiently, with encouragement and hugs and laughter, so he was having fun.  There was zero sign of progress for over an hour.  Toward the end, it seemed that he could distinguish between the two words at a slightly-higher-than-random frequency, but he also could've just been guessing.

The next day, he had forgotten everything.  My mom started over.  After an hour, it seemed like he could say the right word 70% of the time.

The next day, he forgot everything again.  It took an hour to get back to the same state.

All of these sessions were loving and joyous, so my brother enjoyed them.

It took about five days of teaching for one to two hours per day before my brother learned to read four words.  90% of parents would have given up.  That's why 90% of kids cannot read at age two.

By age four, we read chinese books like "1001 Arabian Nights" and "365 Bedtime Stories to Read to Your Child".  We spent many hours per day reading.

The same goes for math.  I went to first grade in China.  Every single student in my class was required to memorize the multiplication table.  So, everyone did it.  If you expect it, and you are patient, every kid can do it.  In America, there is no expectation that a five-year-old memorize the multiplication table, so very few of them can do it.

My mom likes to say, "If you do the work to teach your kids things when they are young, they learn to love learning and you don't have to do any more work."

As a result, I find it shocking when parents actually have to sit down with their kids in the evening and nag them to do their homework.  My parents didn't even know what subjects I was taking in junior high.  They'd look at my end-of-semester report card and say, "You took geology?  Was that your choice or the school's choice?"

Now I've told you the Wang family secret!  Actually, my mom's last name is Su, so it's the Wang and Su family secrets.   I fully intend to violate most of the American expectations I listed above.  The biggest reason that I've worked and accumulated money is to hire nannies.  I'm going to hire as many nannies as possible, with zero guilt.  I'm also going to teach my kid to read when they turn two.


My imaginary future-child.  Not pictured: three nannies taking turns watching over this kid.

Also, if it turns out to be unworkable, and I never get my kid to read at age two or to love learning, I'm not going to sweat it!  Why must the kid be successful?  Why not just be content with a happy kid?

I will be bothered if I have an emo kid though, who doesn't like hugging.  That is my nightmare as a potential parent.


My fear. Please don't let this happen.