Friday, February 26, 2010

a touching chinese story

Thanks to Alex Chen for this article. Sorry non-mandarin-speaking blog readers.


今天离婚,你得抱我出门 妻说,是你将我抱进家门的,要离婚了,你再将我抱出这个家门吧。

与妻结婚的时候,我是将她抱过来的。那时我们住的是那种一家一户的平房,婚车在门前停下来的时候,一伙朋友撺纵着我,将她从车上抱下来,于是,在一片叫好 声中,我抱起了她一直走到典礼的地方。那时的妻是丰盈而成熟的娇羞女孩,我是健壮快乐的新婚男人。
这是十年前的一幕。
以后的日子就像是流水一样过去,要孩子,下海,经商,婚姻中的熟视无睹渐渐出现在我们之间。钱一点点地往上涨,但感情却一点点地平下去,妻在一家行政机构 做公务员,每天我们同时上班,也几乎同时下班,孩子在寄宿学校上学。在别人看来,生活似乎是无懈可击的幸福。但越是这种平静的幸福,便越容易有突然变化的 机率。

我有了她。当生活像水一样乏味而又无处不在,哪怕一种再简单的饮料,也会让人觉得是一种真正的享受。她就是露儿。

天气很好,我站在宽大的露台上,露儿伸了双臂,将我从后面紧紧抱住。我的心再一次被她感情包围,几乎让我无法呼吸。这是我为露儿买的房子。

露儿对我说,像你这样的男人,是最吸引女孩子的眼球的。我忽然想起了妻,刚刚结婚的时候,她似乎说过一句,像你这样的男人,一旦成功之后,是最吸引女孩子 的眼球的。想起妻的聪明,心里微微地打上了一个结,我清楚地意识到,自己对不起她。但却欲罢不能。
我推开露儿的手,说你自己看着买些家具吧,公司今天还有事。露儿分明地不高兴起来,毕竟,今天说好了要带她去买家具的。关于离婚的那个可能,已经在我的心 里愈来愈大起来,原本觉得是不太可能的事情,竟然渐渐地能在心里想像成可能。

只是,我不知道如何对妻子开口,因为我知道,开口了之后必然要伤害她的。妻没有对不起我的地方,她依旧忙忙碌碌地在厨房里准备晚上的饭菜,我依旧打开电 视,坐在那里,看新闻,饭菜很快上桌,吃饭,然后两个人在一起看电视,或是一个人坐在电脑前发会儿呆。想像露儿的身体,成了我自娱的方式。试着对妻说,如 果我们离婚,你说会怎样?妻白了我一眼,没有说话,似乎这种生活离她很远。我无法想象,一旦我说出口时,妻的表现和想法。
妻去公司找我时,露儿刚从我办公室里出来。公司里的人的眼光是藏不住事情的,在几乎所有人都以同情的目光和那种掩饰的语言说话的时候,妻终于感觉出了什 么。她依旧对着我的所有下属以自己的身份微笑着,但我却在她来不及躲闪的一瞬间,从她的眼神中读出了一种伤害。

露儿再次对我说,离婚吧何宁,我们在一起。我点头,心里已经将这个念头扩到非说不可的地步了。妻端上最后一盘菜时,我按住了她的手。说我有件事要告诉你。 妻坐下来,静静地吃着饭,我想起了她眼神中的那种伤害,此刻分明地再一次显出来。突然间觉得自己有些不忍,但事到如今,却只能说下去。咱们离婚吧,我平静 地说着不平静的事。妻没有表现出那种很特别的情绪,淡淡地问我为什么。我笑,说:不,我不是开玩笑,是真的离婚。妻的态度骤然变化起来,她恨恨地摔了筷 子,对我大声说,你不是人!

夜里,我们谁也没理谁,妻在小声地哭,我知道她是想知道为什么。但我却给不了她答案,因为我已经在露儿给我的感觉里无法自拔。我起草了协议给妻看,里面写 明了将房子,车子,还有公司的30股权分给她。写这些东西时,心里是一直怀了对妻的歉疚的,妻愤愤地接过,撕成碎片儿,不再理我。我感觉自己的心竟然隐隐 地有些疼起来,毕竟是一起生活了十年的爱人,所有的温柔都将在未来化去,就这样的慢慢的过去,到了第二天.

陪客户喝酒,半醉的我回到家中时,妻正伏在那里写着什么。我躺在床上睡去,醒来的时候,发现妻依旧坐在那里。我翻个身,再沉沉地睡去。终于闹到了非离不可 的地步,妻却对我声明,她什么也不要我的,只是在离婚之前,要我答应她一个条件。妻的条件简单,便是再给她一个月的时间,因为再过一个月,孩子就过完暑假 了,她不想让孩子看到父母分开的场面,而且,在这一个月里还要像以前那样生活。

我接过妻写的协议,她问我,何宁,你还记得我是怎么嫁过来的吗?蓦地,关于新婚的那些记忆涌上来,我点头,说记得。妻说,是你将我抱进来的,但是我还有个 条件,就是要离婚了,你再将我抱出这个家门吧。这一来一去,都是你做主好了,只是,我要求这一个月,每天上班,你都要将我抱出去,从卧室,到大门。

我笑,说:好。我想妻是在以这种形式来告别自己的婚姻,或是还有对过去眷恋的缘故。我将妻的要求告诉了露儿,露儿笑得有些轻佻,说再怎么还是离婚,搞这么 多花样做什么。她似乎对妻很不屑,这或多或少让我心里不太舒服。

一个月为限,第一天,我们的动作都很呆板。因为一旦说明之后,我们已经有很久没有这么亲密接触过了,甚至连例行的每周两次的****时间也取消了,每天都 像路人一样。儿子从身后拍着小手说,爸爸搂妈妈了,爸爸搂妈妈了,叫得我有些心酸。从卧室经客厅,出房门,到大门,十几米的路程,妻在我的怀抱里,轻轻地 闭着眼睛,对我说,我们就从今天开始吧,别让孩子知道。我点头,刚刚落下去的心酸再一次地浮上来。我将妻放在大门外,她去等公交,我去开车上班。

第二天,我和妻的动作都随意了许多,她轻巧地靠在我的身上,我嗅到她清新的衣香,妻确实是老了,我已有多少日子没有这么近的看过她了,光润的皮肤上,有了 细细的皱纹。我怎么没发现过妻有皱纹了呢,还是自己已是多久没有注意到自己这个熟悉到骨头里的女人了呢。

第三天,妻附在我的耳边对我说,院子里的花池拆了,要小心些,别跌倒了。

第四天,在卧室里抱起妻的时候,我有种错觉,我们依旧是十分亲密的爱人,她依旧是我的宝贝,我正在用心去抱她,而所有关于露儿的想像,都变得若有若无起 来。

第五天,六天,妻每次都会在我耳边说一些小细节,衣服熨好了挂在哪里,做饭时要小心不要让油溅着,我点着头,心里的那种错觉也越来越强烈起来。

我没有告诉露儿这一切。感觉到自己越来越不吃力了,似乎是锻炼的结果,我对妻说,现在抱你,不怎么吃力了。

妻在挑拣衣服,我在一边等着抱她出门。妻试了几件,都不太合适,自己叹了口气,坐在那里,说衣服都长肥了。我笑,但却只笑了一半,我蓦然间想起自己越来越 不吃力了,不是我有力了,而是妻瘦了,因为她将所有的心事压在心里。那一瞬间,心里紧紧地疼起来,我伸出手去,试图去抚妻的额角。

儿子进来了,爸爸,该抱妈妈出门了。他催促着我们,似乎这么些天来,看我抱妻出门,已经成了他的一个节目。妻拉过儿子,紧紧地抱住,我转过了脸不去看,怕 自己将所有的不忍转成一个后悔的理由。从卧室出发,然后经客厅,屋门,走道,我抱着妻,她的手轻巧而自然地揽在我的脖子上。我紧紧地拥着她的身体,感觉像 是回到了那个新婚的日子,但妻越来越轻的身体,却常常让我忍不住想落泪。

最后一天,我抱起妻的时候,怔在那里不走。儿子上学去了,妻也怔怔地看着我说,其实,真想让你这样抱到老的。我紧紧地抱了妻,对她说,其实,我们都没有意 识到,生活中就是少了这种抱你出门的亲密。

停下车子的时候,我来不及锁上车门,我怕时间的延缓会再次打消我的念头。我敲开门,露儿一脸的惺松。我对她说,对不起露儿,我不离婚了。真的不离了。露儿 不相信一般看着我,伸出手来,摸着我的头,说你没发烧呀。我打开露儿的手,看着她,对她说,对不起露儿,我只有对你说对不起,我不离婚了,或许我和她以 前,只是因为生活的平淡教会了我们熟视无睹,而并不是没有感情,我今天才明白。我将她抱进了家门,她给我生儿育女,就要将她抱到老,所以,只有对你说对不 起。

露儿似乎才明白过来,愤怒地扇了我一耳光,关了门,大哭起来。我下楼,开车去公司。路过那家上班时必经的花店的时候,我给妻子订了一束她最喜欢的情人草, 礼品店的小姐拿来卡片让我写祝语,我微笑着在上面写上:我要每天抱你出家门,一直到老。

男的都应该用心看看,每个男人到你成功时,也许都会有这种经历,学学吧,不要让自己老时后悔了,伤害最大的是孩子,如果成功后不要妻子,还不如不要成功, 一家过苦日子也许也是幸福……

Monday, February 22, 2010

if only it were a genetic trait

I really like when my parents say nice things about each other.

A few months ago, talking with my dad while walking down a street in Argentina. (All the following conversations were in Mandarin, and I've translated them.)

Me: "Mom is the best cook of chinese food that I've ever encountered, except professional chefs. I've never gone to anyone's house and been served a chinese meal that tastes better than my mom's cooking."

Dad: "That's true. Sometimes when I see a mediocre Chinese restaurant, I don't even go in, because their cooking won't be as good as your mom's."

Me: "爸, 你捞着了! (Dad, you really lucked out!) Did you know Mom was such a good cook before you got married?"

Dad: "No. In fact, I didn't realize for years after we got married. I thought everyone else's wife was just as good."

Me: "How did you figure out the truth?"

Dad: "XXX [name of relative] invited us to dinner. She clearly spent a lot of time preparing, but it couldn't compare to your mom's food. Then another relative invited us, and the same thing happened. That's when I realized."

Me: "You get to eat restaurant-quality food every day. That's so fortunate!"

Dad: "恩, 不错。 [Yup, not bad.]"





At lunch in Irvine today, with my brother.

Me: "I think Dad's basic need out of marriage is to have someone cook a good meal for him twice a day."

Tom: "Whenever I call him, he always ends by saying, 'I gotta go. 你妈给我做了两菜一汤 (Your mom has cooked me two dishes and a soup.)' He doesn't just say 'I gotta go.'"

Me: "Hee hee. That's so adorable."

Friday, February 19, 2010

masquerade wedding

I'm going to a masquerade wedding tomorrow.

I asked my brother advice on what to wear. To illustrate my choices, I dug through old photos, which caused me to stumble across a few that I'd forgotten.


A costume shopping trip in summer 2007. Tom amused himself while waiting for me.


Trying not to laugh.


My flapper costume. This was one option I considered as my wedding attire.

...

In the end, I decided on my red dress and Carmen Miranda hat for the masquerade wedding. I hope it will be appropriate!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

a few costume photos

Five of us took the BART to Walnut Creek to watch our friend CM perform in a musical ("Patience" by Gilbert and Sullivan).


A beautiful outfit from the musical.


Me with CM. He grew out his moustache and sideburns for the role.


We had to go around town with CM for the entire two months of play rehearsals, while he was sporting this ridiculous facial hair. Here he is with our friend "Lavender", at AsiaSF on a normal Friday night.


Me with a blue drink at AsiaSF. It is my favorite San Francisco establishment.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

but I am very fond of my alma mater

Azer and I were discussing the most unexpected changes in our lives over the past decade.

Me: "I was so much geekier ten years ago."

Azer: "Oh?"

Me: "Well, I wasn't yet old enough to get into nightclubs. Plus I'd gone to Caltech, the geekiest college in the country."

Azer: "In the world."

Me: "Thanks."

Friday, February 12, 2010

throwing stones

I'm looking at my Google Buzz.

Azer: [glancing over my shoulder from across the room] "Who's in that photo?"

Me: "It's a photo of a stereotypical nerd. This is a tech article about how Buzz was designed by nerds."

Azer: "I bet the person who wrote that article is even nerdier."

my friends are funny (warning: mature language)

Dinner at Chou chou with Octo-man, Percyvale, and other friends.

Several of us: [making fun of Octo-man a lot]

Octo-man: "Later on tonight, if you guys remember, go fuck yourselves."

Percyvale: [immediately] "Done and done!"

Thursday, February 11, 2010

buzz

Follow me on Google Buzz! http://www.google.com/profiles/niniane

From the hilarious Kevin Fox: "To clear things up, a #buzz is a high-frequency #wave."

Saturday, February 06, 2010

an unexpected development

It has been a strange week.

I've been sick all week. But more importantly, I'm sad and angry at losing my best friend Dan. Longtime readers will remember many mentions of Dan woven throughout this blog. I met Dan when living in the same dorm in college. After graduation, we both worked at Microsoft. Later, he referred me to Google. We've been friends for half my lifetime. We supported each other through work crises, family drama, and countless relationship ups and downs. When my relative was ill, Dan helped me google for medical information.

Years ago, as a game, we predicted the likelihood that we would remain friends until our dying day. I said 97%. Dan said 100%.

How quickly times can change. If you'd told me last year that in 2010, Dan and I would stop being friends, I would've laughed at the absurdity. And yet it has come to pass. (If you're wondering, it is not because one of us became romantically interested in the other. It has always been platonic. It's also not because we got into an argument.)

I've accepted the facts ("God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change"), but every once in a while, something funny or thought-provoking happens and I wonder what Dan would say. Then I become angry. You only get a few chances to make a lifelong friend. Why must a good and rare thing be thrown away?

My brother was shocked when I told him. "But you and Dan have been friends for a bajillion years," he said. I realized that Tom was only a child when I met Dan. For as long as he can remember, Dan and I have been friends.

No matter what happens, I think both of us will always feel lucky for the times that we shared. One of my fond memories occurred last spring, before all this happened. Dan and I were sitting around his living room, chatting while both using our computers.

Me: "Frank confides a surprising amount to me. He must not have a lot of confidantes."

Dan: "Yeah."

Me: "Who do you confide in? I guess mainly me. Who did you confide in before me?"

Dan: [looking at monitor] "There was a time before you?"

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

sweet video

This woman seems very likeable. It is a cute story of her "worst Valentine's Day ever".

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

"last meal"

Last month, my parents were telling me about a relative's girlfriend.

Mom: "He was recovering from a serious illness, and she came over to take care of him. However, they got in a huge argument over wedding plans, and she stormed off, leaving him in the house without any food."

Me: "Oh wow, while he's sick?"

Mom: "If I were her, I would've cooked before leaving. Let's say I decided to divorce your dad. If he needed it, I'd still cook him dinner before walking out."

Dad: [surprised] "Wait, what?"

Me: [laughing]

Dad: [recovering] "几个菜呀?" ("How many courses?")

Monday, February 01, 2010

this brought back memories

I'm sick -- coughing a lot, and low-energy. I cancelled some meetings, in order to stay home and rest.

One of the old Lively users IM'ed me in the afternoon. He told me that long ago, he captured the Lively client in a virtual machine, and cached enough content that he can run the client even without the Google servers. He used video-conferencing to show me the client running in his virtual machine. I was pretty amazed that he managed to do this.

He used his client to show me a few of the rooms he built. One was a nightclub, with transparent floor tiles and a spinning disco ball. Another was the coffeehouse room, with a fireplace constructed from tables, and a shimmery blue stained-glass wall.

The last room was an Eiffel tower he made by stacking cabinets. At the very top was a hang-out area. When he panned his camera up there and sat his avatar down to watch television, it felt momentarily as though I were really sitting on couches 100 feet in the air. I experienced a moment of "shock and awe".



I commended him on his rooms. He said, "Thank you for making Lively."

It was nice.